Coming Back to Life

Hey friends,

It's been a really long time, hasn't it?  Sorry about that, but I've been going through a lot this past year and it's left me unable to deal with a lot of things the way I'd like to, or how a normal person would, much less keep up with a rigid schedule of blogs, social media, and videos.  And I've learned a lot from the experience and wanted to share some of what I've gone through and catch up with you all.

So this time last fall I was starting to feel symptoms of anxiety, I didn't know that's what it was at the time, but I did get around to realizing it in the past few months.  Mostly this left me feeling like I couldn't handle much socially whether that be in person, returning messages to many dear friends, or writing blog posts or doing other things I love.  Some of that's depression too, and as Bryan has said to me before, sometimes it's hard to tell where depression stops and another issue like anxiety pops up.  I thought the anxiety was mostly a side effect from depression, and I tried to do the best I could.  However I found it harder to keep up with everything as the holidays came closer and I started retreating more often.

The same time as all this was going on Bryan and I had been trying to have a baby for about 3 and a half years, completely unsuccessfully.  It had been taking a toll on our relationship and how confident I felt about myself after so much of what is perceived by society as failures.  We'd done tests, tried some medications, and more and nothing helped.  We finally got to a point where we talked to family members about it some and started to talk seriously about adopting while we hadn't quite stopped trying either.  To us it makes more sense to adopt than pouring a lot of money into something like in-vitro fertilization or other techniques which disrupt your life and procedures and hormonal nightmares while still offering no guarantees.  4 years of trying leaves you very stressed and discouraged.  It's enough to cause depression by itself, so in some ways I'm not surprised a bit that I was having trouble.

After the new year started Bryan and I finally had a good talk about things, with lots of tears and coming to a better understanding of how we both felt let down, pressured, and unhappy with each other and the silent expectation we thought we had to live up to, but never feeling like we could acknowledge it properly.  After that conversation we knew it was time to stop trying.  I'd dealt with a lot of pain each month from my periods and was very glad to go back on birth control to manage it.  I've looked into it as we had all the tests for fertility done, and there's a decent possibility the pain is caused by endometriosis, but there's no way to know for sure without surgery.  My doctor doesn't want to resort to that without better reasons than we currently have, which were mostly unexplained infertility and enough pain that I had to go on birth control back in college because otherwise I'd miss classes regularly since no pain killers can help on my worst days.

Around the same time I'd had my yearly physical and had my blood glucose test come back in the pre-diabetic range.  I'd not worried about this too much in the past, but with all the was going on I had gained some weight over the holidays and wasn't in a great place.  I was told to try to be more healthy, and come back for follow up tests in a month or two to assess whether the blood glucose reading was an anomaly or something to worry about.  In some ways this was a wake up call since I do have a family history of diabetes.  Somewhere between the two visits I made the decision that I wanted to be healthier, and was serious about it.

That spring proved to be a very hard time though, and while I did get healthier metabolically I also got sick a lot, several times with stomach bugs, plus the normal cold or two, and between it all I threw my back out horribly.  I didn't really recover from it until mid April, but during that time I did start walking more, because that would help with my back some.  I honestly got so little done at home during that time that it left me feeling very guilty, and I backed away further from friends as I found sitting up to use a computer hurt.  I had started back on birth control in February and found it lifted a lot of my depression, though I still have the occasional bad day it's much less often.  And when I went back for follow up testing things were better!  I had started to change how I thought about eating and pay more attention to my eating habits in general so I'd be more sensible and balanced.

The summer was a bit of a mixed bag as I tried to find some balance between the healthy habits I was trying to make, more going on with family, and trying to deal with things around the house again and contemplating art again after depression led me to abandon it for several years.  Often I felt like I'd take two steps forward and one step back, but things were slowly getting better.

As fall has started I've been dipping my toe into a lot of things, remaking habits to create, socialize, and hopefully run my business again.  I've been doing it all with a much different approach than before, where I tried to do too much, imposing perfectionistic ideals that led to cycles of failure, depression, and self sabotage.  Now when I start something I ask myself a lot more questions about the process with the thought of making sustainable habits, and making myself healthier mentally along the way.

You're probably thinking that's a lot of mental health jargon and not a lot of concrete goals.  But it's been helping me.  I've been tackling the Inktober challenge; it's a trend that started for artists to create an ink drawing each day for the month of October.  I've been taking it with a more forgiving attitude, allowing myself to take more time on some pieces, and get caught up on others.  And sharing these pieces has been getting me back into talking and posting on social media, as well as working on refreshing my Etsy shop to include the new pieces and put more polish on what's already there.  Once I get through with Inktober I'll be working on serious pieces more often too.  Right now I've got one watercolor going to get back into practice.  I do have to admit that putting things down for so long has left me rusty.  On the flip side starting over has given me new ideas and left me feeling more refreshed in many ways than I have in a long time.  I kind of wonder now if what made me stop wasn't just depression, but a bit of burnout too.  In any case, it's good to be back.

I'm not quite sure what that means for what I'll be writing here on the blog, but I hope you'll stick with me as I try to find out.  I know two things though, first off I want to work on projects that leave me feeling satisfied, maybe that means I'll write about fashion some, or art more, or subscription boxes sometimes, I'm almost sure I'll write about books, and probably a lot more.  That overall leads me to my number  two...

Thanks for reading everyone, and until next time.

News + My Nerd Origin Story

Hi Friends,

This week has been a crazy one, with lots of good and lots of bad to report.  Honestly it breaks my heart to think about it all too much.  However I'm going to try and write about some of it and we'll see what happens from there!

News

Giveaway

First off I'm pleased to announce a winner to my giveaway (found in this post).  Congratulations to Melissa K!  Her prize will be shipping soon, and if you missed this giveaway please stay tuned to my blog.  I'll be hosting another in the near future!


I'd also like to thank everyone who entered my giveaway.  I loved reading your ideas for what I should be writing about and noted many folks want to see more about plus size fashion and reviews.  I can't wait to bring you more of this!

Liebster Award

Last week I was nominated by my lovely colleague Sadie at Sadie By Design for a Liebster Award!  The Liebster is an way of giving bloggers a better platform to tell their story to the world.  I wanted to acknowledge it in this post even though I haven't had time to fully address all that goes with the nomination yet.  I'm thrilled and flattered to be featured this way and can't wait to write more about it.  Please watch for a more in depth post about this in the next few weeks!

#BlackLivesMatter

This is just exhausting to keep track of, and the more hate that builds as people start to see race as an issue to take sides on the more sick I feel.  I can't think about other people that way.  506 black lives have been lost so far this year, and now more are being added from the police force thanks to a few renegades who are taking things into their own hands.  One of the 506 was my cousin a few months back.

I keep thinking things will change for the better, and then there is only more violence and tragedy.  It leaves me an emotional mess, feeling guilty when good things are happening in my own life and others are experiencing so much loss.  Guilty for being white and having the privilege to go and do what I want without being anxious for my life.  I feel bad that the best I can do most days is simply have dialogue with you, my readers, or the other folks I know in person or online.  It just feels like nothing I do will be enough to help.  And for that I am sorry.

However I try to read and stay educated about what is going on.  I don't just block it out with my own moderately happy life.  If this strikes a chord with you and you'd like to learn more about concrete ways you can help find peace and ensure a better future for everyone in this country please check out this amazing article featuring a list of practical ways to become an ally.

Pokemon Go

This has been the happy thing of my week  I have been enjoying this app I have eagerly awaited the past 8 months.  I'll be writing more on this in the near future, including a full review!  For now I have my Bulbasaur, a gym next door to my house (First to claim!  Though it's already been taken over and....well, I'll come back to that later).

My Nerd Origin Story

My friend and fellow blogger Mickey came up with this writing prompt and opened it up as a bit of a group project within the Geeks & Beauties community I'm a part of.  I think it's a great topic to think about as we get introspective about life because it helps us look on the bright side of things and view our own life as a story that we get the power to write.  Just as some of our favorite superheroes lives were shaped by adversity so are our own at times.  And as with superheroes, sometimes we keep our nerdy identity a secret from the general public.  However, today I'm opening up about it to you all.

My own story starts when I was learning to read.  I was homeschooled and my mom had some curriculum to help that included a series of books with stepped difficulty and little racetrack to move along as you read each.  I remember after the first dozen or so I think I completed the rest in a day, and then started begging my mom to take me to the library.  From then on I loved reading and would get a dozen or more books each visit, multiple times a week.  When I was 10 years old my mom, brother and I spent some time living with my grandmother and great grandmother to help them out.  As soon as we realized we might be there long term the library visits started there too, and in some ways reading became my best friend when there was no one my age to play with.  While I love my brother, when you're cooped up in a house together you get sick of each other eventually.  Books became my escape from that, and later my comfort as I had to figure out how to make friends with kids again when I had left a kid and came back to my hometown a middle schooler.  Fantasy books were my favorite, from retellings of fairy tales to waiting for each new Harry Potter book.

I was the kid who while perhaps 13 walked to the mall on black Friday to buy myself a Game Boy when they were finally cheap enough to be affordable to my family, and then patiently wait to receive it on Christmas day along with a cartridge for Pokemon Blue (my brother got Red!).  We had an old Nintendo we shared and played the first few Super Mario games on, and I vividly remember playing all of the Legend of Zelda on a 6 inch black and white tv.  As he got further into his teens my brother took over most of the gaming systems in our house, deeming me unworthy to play them as a female.  But I was already hooked.

Growing up we had a closet full of board games, stocked by my mom that we used often.  Before she homeschooled my brother and I full time she had been a librarian at a university, and before that a high school biology teacher.  She loved learning and finding us new projects to work on that stimulated our curiosity.  Even when we watched tv with my parents they would often be watching Star Trek or other science fiction shows.  On Saturdays my dad would take us on walks to 7-11 to pick up some small item the family needed and buy me a Barbie or Strawberry Shortcake comic.  I didn't realize how nerdy this all was until much later in life.  I just took joy from reading about gardening and teaching myself to grow roses, or learning to identify birds, trees, and insects.  I never thought of myself as an outdoorsy kid, but I loved nature and the science and beauty of it.  To this day when I'm creating art or decorating my home themes from nature are constantly finding their way into my work.

Later in high school I wanted to run my own website for a church group I was in and learned to code some in HTML.  We didn't even have a computer at the time, just a WebTV unit that allowed us to do very basic web surfing and checking emails.  But I figured out how to make it work, and later when we did have a computer I was the one keeping that up and running for the 5-6 years we owned a desktop the family to shared.  And I almost ended up in the field of graphic design, except I fell in love with darkroom photography and preferred it to sitting in from of a computer for long periods of time.  And now my work involves a computer (or smartphone) all the time!

For most of my life I didn't think about myself as a nerd, I just did the things I loved, which happened to be geeky.  Nowadays when I'm looking for new friends or trying to find my tribe I often go straight for the nerdy girls first.  And most of the time that's exactly what works best.

If you'd like to hear some other great nerd origin stories please go read Mickey's here at the Nerdily blog, Sadie's at Sadie By Design, Andrea's at her YouTube channel Chibi Drea (coming soon), and Evelyn's at Princess Eevee.  I'll update these links to go straight to their stories, but for now you can check out their sites and get to know these lovely ladies.

What's your nerd origin story like?  Let me know more in the comments!  And as always, thanks for reading.  I really appreciate all my visitors.

Reflections on November & What I'm Looking Forward to in December

Hi folks,

November

So, I had another topic I wanted to post about today, however sometimes life happens.  Instead I spent my morning waiting for Bryan, my husband to get out of surgery.  He had a growth on his tongue that showed up almost two months ago.  Our family medical practice thought it was a boil or other bothersome skin condition and tried (wrongfully because it's not supposed to be used orally!) putting silver nitrate on it near the end of October.  It did nothing but give my husband chemical burns in about a quarter of his mouth.  They decided it must not be a boil and said they'd refer him to a specialist.  After a month of waiting (in which Bryan lost his job and was told his health insurance would run out at the end of November) he kept bugging the office, and was finally contacted Tuesday of last week.  The oral surgeon saw him the day before Thanksgiving and scheduled him for surgery Monday, the last day of November.

We'd been looking into insurance options, but until the holiday thought it wasn't quite as urgent since we didn't really expect to need the insurance so much in December.  So yeah...I spent pretty much all afternoon on the phone with the government health exchange and my insurance company to come up with some sad sounding answers that might work.  Bryan's dad helped me out too thank goodness.  Bryan was asleep with a swollen tongue until around dinner time.  It was right around that point that I decided to call his insurance company that I assumed was dropping him from insurance and research COBRA options.  After all the long hold times on the other calls I spoke with a fantastic lady who in 15 minutes including wait found that Bryan's insurance was actually paid for until the end of the year!  I just about cried when I heard that, I can't say enough how much of a blessing it is that it worked out that way.

Hopefully this along with some of my other posts explains why I've been absent more than I'd like this past month.  November was hard!  However there was good stuff too with family at Thanksgiving and Word Balloons comics reading group.  Overall though I'm glad that November's chapter in my book is ending and December is fresh and new.

December

So I know we still have some financial issues to work through connected to the change in jobs, but I already feel like December is going to be a spectacular month.  I have a really exciting fashion post to share with you all at the end of this week as I show off my December mini capsule wardrobe and along with some fantastic sponsored content that will be a big first for me!  (hint: if you want a sneak peek of my new friends check out http://shop.bombsheller.com/)

Other great things I'm looking forward to this month include:

1. Making new traditions as we decorate our new house for the holidays.
2. The Boylan Heights Artwalk in Raleigh, one of my favorite places to find gifts ever as well as meeting fantastic artists.
3. Making my blog more beautiful as I create new, better graphics.
4. Baking things in my kitchen and drinking hot cocoa.
5. Finally hosting our housewarming party!
6. Spending time with friends and family at the end of the month.
7. Tackling a great new Monthly Instagram Challenge with the Geeks & Beauties Community.
8. Finishing some long overdue art projects that I'd normally be more passionate about, but life and a bit of procrastination have made a bigger burden of than they should be.
9. Going to the Raleigh Ringers concert (an incredible handbell choir that is not to be missed, and a Dickson family tradition).
10. Finding the perfect gifts for everyone on my list, I might put way too much thought into it, but I really enjoy finding a present that will make the receiver smile.
11. Feeling that things are finally calming down after the past months' turbulence.
12. Participating in Dressember!

Dressember

I'm thrilled to be able to share about Dressember with you all.  To explain further Dressember is an event that lasts the whole month of December and it's purpose is to raise awareness for human trafficking and help put an end to it.  Participants ONLY wear dresses for the whole month, no pants or skirts, some folks even limit themselves to one the whole time.  And similarly to a walk for charity or event like Extra Life where gaming is what's done to raise awareness you can help support this endeavor with the Dressember Foundation at any time over the course of this month.

But let me guess, you're also wondering, Lydia, why dresses?  Here's what the Dressember Foundation has to say about why they selected this as their challenge:

          "Dressember uses fashion to advocate for women who've been exploited for their

          femininity.  As women take on the creative challenge of wearing a dress for the 31 days of

          December, they are advocating for the inherent dignity of all women."

I love this idea, and the challenge too.  I'm building a small capsule wardrobe for just this month, which I'll share with you all later this week.  Plus if you want to see what I'm wearing each day just come follow me over here on Instagram.  And, if you want to join in it's not too late, it's quick and easy to sign up at the Dressember site, we'd be happy to have you!

Day 1

Please check out my donation page here for more information on the project.  Additionally, I'm not alone, there are several other ladies from the Rising Tide Society dressing it up with me for the next month.  I've joined some of them on team Grace Belle to do good for some of those least able to help themselves in the world.  You can read a bit on their takes on the project here at GraceBelle.com and here at Phylicia Nicole.  They've really said things much more eloquently than I have here.

85% of proceeds go to International Justice Mission and A21, of the rest 5% is used to process credit card fees and the other 10% for the foundation's admin, tech, and marketing.  All of these organizations are 501 c3 tax deductible, and you can read more about them here.  Even a tiny bit can help, and my goal is to raise $200 for them, since it's my first time.  I'm a little nervous about it because I honestly feel bad asking for anyone's money, but this is it, I'm asking that you join me in helping to end human trafficking.

Thanks so much for reading.  I'll see you all again very soon.

Love,

Lydia

My First Camera Stories

ALL the cameras!

That was my prompt for this post.  Really when I start thinking about all my cameras, the old ones and new, I end up thinking about what made me love photography in the first place.  Above all that was the magic of film.  I don't remember when I was given my first camera, but I was pretty young, and it was just a simple one that took 110 film.  Who remembers what stuff?  haha  110 film is even smaller than 35mm and honesty makes it hard for whoever processes it.  Not as hard as the film my next camera took though.

Mine looked something like this, though the image is from https://irishbear3455.wordpress.com/2014/06/10/why-do-we-love-photography-a-thirty-somethings-photographic-journey-the-early-years-1976-1986-part-six-week-three/ who got it from Google images....an image chain.

My second camera was an APS film camera, a weird little format in hard to open cartridges that I hated having to deal with when I worked for Ritz camera years later.  It's advantage was that it had a switch for making different format images, and recorded which you selected so lab techs would know which to print later.  It led to some expense since the panoramic shots cost more to print.  However it was perfect for trips as a teenager.  I ended up losing my first camera after a couple years during a fall weekend retreat, while out in the woods.  It was found the next summer in a creek, full of grit and inoperable, but the film was still intact.  In the meantime I have saved up my babysitting money for another similar model that I kept using until I finally got my first digital camera in 2004.

Switchfoot, Purple Door Festival in Shippensburg, PA, 2003

It was a humble little model, outdated almost as soon as I bought it, but it was what I could afford between my pay at a bookstore and all the concert tickets and trips I went on that year.  But the little Fuji A330 lasted for a long time with all of 3MP at its disposal.  I went from taking photos like the one above to photos like the one below.

Red Umbrella, GMA week show in Nashville, TN, 2004

Meanwhile, I decided to try community college out and one of the classes I thought would be fun was photography.  My brother had taken a photography class and liked it when he was in high school, but he was hesitant to lend me his camera.  But one of my coworkers, Jim, lent me his camera for the semester.  I was shocked because it was so nice I was almost scared to take it from him, temporary as it might be.  But he was incredibly kind about it and insisted I should.  I think he knew I'd do well at it.

The first day we stepped into the darkroom I was terrified.  I felt like I couldn't handle all the chemicals and was scared of making mistakes and of the potential toxicity of the chemicals themselves.  I almost dropped out of the class then and there, and I think I must have said something to my instructor about being worried.  Ms Talbot, being the lovely person she is took it in stride and told me to just keep coming and she'd help me out if I needed it.  So I came back the next week, and everything went perfectly.  I excitedly developed my first roll of film from that beautiful Olympus OM-2 camera and started down a path that changed my life.

Image via Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Olympus-OM-2-35mm-Film-Camera/dp/B0084X2RIS

I think Jim knew he was influencing me back then, and I'm so thankful he was a part of shaping my life and career.  Not too long ago Jim passed away, but I will remember him as a wonderful, kind, Christian man who put a camera into my hands when I needed it most.  Thanks Jim.

I will write more about cameras at a later time, because I want to share more about my current set up and what I used while in school, but I wanted to end my post on this note as a way of thanking everyone who helped me find my passions.

Love,
Lydia

Rereading YA Fiction

Hi everyone,

I've got to the part of my reviews where I started rereading books I've owned and loved when I was younger.  Honestly I still love them, despite their young adult designation.

Young Adult Books Round Two

My two favorite books in my preteen years were Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine and Wren to the Rescue by Sherwood Smith.  I think Wren to the Rescue and many books about fairies were what began to interest me in fantasy books.  With Ella Enchanted I think I was 14 when I first read it, and it was an easy read, but I loved it so much I had to immediately read it again before returning it to the library.   Something I'd never done before with any book.  Ella (an adapted Cinderella figure) is spunky and at times obstinate as she fights her curse.   It's been a little while since I read Ella Enchanted, but I still read it every few years.  All the books below fall into the category of books that are great for advanced readers in 3-6th grade on up, though they're generally classified as "middle grades" level.

The Two Princesses of Bamarre by Gail Carson Levine -

A pair of sister princesses, a mysterious illness, fairies, a young wizard, and an epic quest are fairly average fantasy subjects.  But Levine writes renewed fairy tales and her own fantasies masterfully adding wonderful humor, and strong female characters that make great role models for young readers.  Characters also work to overcome their personal fears and weaknesses, with all problems being resolved neatly by the end of the book.

 Wild Magic, Wolf Speaker, and Emperor Mage by Tamora Pierce - 

are the first three books featuring the character Daine, a young girl with wild magic.  Pierce's books have a much more fleshed out magical system and characters that appear in one book often make cameos in others too.  Daine has some interesting quirks, her wild magic is much stronger than in others who might have it, and those who do have it are an oddity in her world or specialize in one area, taking care of horses for instance.  But Daine's power goes beyond all that and her family origins are mysterious.  Throughout the series we see her grow into her powers and encounter new enemies as her new home is thrown into chaos with various immortals being unleashed from a realm they've been confined to for generations.  The books have both adventure and quest elements as well as mystery solving in a swords and sorcery world created for teen and preteen readers.

Wren to the Rescue by Sherwood Smith - 

Has all the coming of age story hallmarks, orphans, a princess, sorcerers in training, and evil wizard kidnappings.  But it uses the familiar story line to introduce great characters and concepts that help shape young adults.  We see a woman with ambiguous morality and learn that people don't start out good or evil necessarily, but can be taught morals along the way.  The heroine and her best friend continue their relationship despite changes in status and new friends join them.  This book is the start of a series with the original trilogy available in both print and ebook, and the 4th book, written a bit later only as ebook.  The whole series is worth reading, and get a bit more serious in tone as they go on, but this first book is very lighthearted and would be a perfect introduction to fantasy books for young readers.  I have an 8 year old cousin who is about ready for it in fact.  The great part about Smith is she has also written books for teen and adult readers, so her books are perfect to grow up with.

Thanks for joining me, I'll be back with a full report on my capsule wardrobe Friday and more book reviews next week.

Love,
Lydia

I am a Nerd

Hi everyone,

I have a confession to make, I am a nerd, or maybe you'd call it a geek, either way it's about the same.  I love things that are boring to other folks and though I haven't talked about it much here I am unashamed in my passion for them.  I just thought it was time to say that here too.

Today Bryan and I had a conversation about how a being would theoretically evolve with two hearts and how those hearts would function. Many animals with multiple hearts probably had them evolve along with gills.  Would one control blood flow to the left side of the body and the other the right?  If so when a heart failed the individual might lose a leg and arm, but still go on living.  Perhaps the second heart was there to give the individual more energy reserve for purposes of something like the regenerative abilities.  #TimeLords #Centaurii #Science?

We recently discussed how a roleplay system we really enjoy (Hackmaster New) has neglected to introduce information for all the various cleric faiths they promised in the rulebook.  We want to play another campaign, but we may have to adapt the information we have to make something new.  Since we have the opportunity we can put a trinity of gods in place, perhaps sun, moon, and star/void and use that instead of the usual alignments.  Add in another element to craft them by classifying the themes into color families to mimic the values of Magic the Gathering's colors to create the flavor of each cleric's personality.  I have a feeling everyone in the party may be itching to play a cleric character.

We play with ideas like these often, when we're not playing games of Civilization V together, or gathering with brothers for Pokemon roleplay nights (yes we pretend we're trainers, trying to be the very best), or over at Bryan's parents for Sci Fi Night, making art about time travel, going to a LEGO convention, talking physics with Davey, or history with each other, meeting with comic book discussion groups, and playing Brain Dots on our phones in bed together when we should be trying to sleep.

As a result my personal fashion is more Felicia Day than Coco Chanel, though I do love some vintage style.  It may just be influenced by the 1950s as well as steampunk Victorian worlds.  I end up being so eclectic, and I hope I can make that work in a more minimalist way.  It's taking some time to put things together for my fall capsule wardrobe, but I'm excited to see what happens.  And I'll finally have managed to go through all my clothes and can actually go sell stuff (I've been putting this off for the summer) and donate slightly more loved items.

So this is just a bit of my personal love letter to all the geeks out there, and there's probably more where this same from.  For now I'll wait until Wednesday to share more, when I'll be back with another installment of graphic novel reviews.  See you then!

Love,
Lydia

Reasons Why I Blog

Hey folks,

So I was asked this question recently, "what's your blog for", and it got me thinking.  I've been able to write my thoughts online for a long time, first via a very old Tripod website, then on Live Journal and now here.  Being able to write out my thoughts has been something that's been very healthy for me mentally and a great aid to thinking through whatever I might be going through in life.  As an introvert I find it especially helpful because I end up energized after making my thoughts more clean and dedicating them to a file or written page, rather than rolling around in my head.  It's helped me when I'm in some of my deeper bouts with depression as it allowed me to pour out my worries, share my fears, and simply let people know what's going on in my life, even when it's not happy stuff.

Sometimes it's easier to write out my thoughts than say them to another person because I can be more articulate and can talk to many people at once without wearying myself as I would if I tried to do the same thing in person!  And even when I didn't write online (in college mostly), I wrote in a notebook often, and am still in the habit of carrying a little notebook with me.  I don't think my cell phone note taking will ever replace it.  Especially knowing I'll be able to remember things better when I write by hand since it engages more parts of the brain at once, making better memories of what was written.

However this blog started as a way to document and share art processes as I was trying to get a Kickstarter campaign going to fund a body of artwork.  It failed to work out, but the blog stuck, and I've slowly changed it from talking about art to more of my life.  I realized some friends I don't talk to as often and even my family members now that we live further away from each other like hearing what's happening in my life, and this blog filled that need.  It's become more multimedia over time, and in some ways becomes its own art form, since writing is after all just another of the arts.

Now this blog is also about ways of sharing my interests i.e. books, fashion, travel, and social issues.  Something like a plus size capsule wardrobe is unique enough that I might even get to help some people as the make their own, similarly ethical fashion in plus size is hard to find too.  And then I might go make a DIY chalkboard tutorial or post a family recipe for chili .  It makes for very eclectic reading, but those of you who have met me know just how that word suits me.  I hope I strike a balance that keeps you all interested, you're welcome to holler at me if you want more of something I haven't mentioned in a while too!  Overall I sincerely hope my many interests will be a good influence on my readers and help me meet others from a variety of backgrounds too.

In some way blogging is like a having a superpower.  I'm just starting to realize how powerful it can be, which is both odd and enlightening to someone who'd not used to seeking the spotlight actively for most of her life.  I'm not even sure I'm seeking it now, at least not so much for myself.  Because, here's the thing, friends, if I ever become that loud annoying person I would hate myself.  I just want to start some conversations and share what knowledge I have that might be useful.  So my superpower is hopefully one I can share with all of you as I open up a safe place for discussion and help bring in wonderful individuals to engage with.

And for now I'll just keep writing and trying to remember that "With great power there must also come great responsibility" (Stan Lee).  The responsibility to write regularly and continue overcoming the depression that tells me to do otherwise.  So Wednesday I'll be back again, and hope you'll join me.  Til then!

Love,
Lydia

Reasons I Can't Do What I Want

Hey everyone,
So, I've been working on this post for a while.  I want to talk a bit about depression and how it's affected me over the years.  Also it allows me to share the talents and insights from others on this subject, all of which are much more eloquent than my own.  This is also going to be a long post, and sparse in the way of images, but hang in there with me.  It's worth it, I promise.

For me I first dealt with depression around when I graduated from high school.  Part of what caused it may have been related to a bad first breakup, but I think some of it might have happened due to family predisposition as well.  There's not a lot of way to know yet medically speaking.  Scientists are coming closer and closer to figuring why and how we become depressed, but there are still a lot of questions to be answered.

My first experience with depression was honestly pretty severe.  I wish I could say I'd gotten proper help with it, and told family, but I didn't.  I had no awareness of the family tendencies til much more recently, and having met the counselor someone I knew had seen, I felt their methods weren't worth my time.  And I thought all those in counseling were probably like that, or at least most.  The one thing I did right in all that time was hold onto my friends, and tell a handful of the closest ones my fears.  To this day I am thankful for the 17-19 years olds who kept me sane in my darkest hours, you all know who you are.  After most of a year where I little appetite and faked being ok to everyone around me while wanted to sleep all day and couldn't sleep at night I started to get better.  My whole life was getting better and my depression moved on with it for the most part.  Occasionally I'd still have a bad day here and there.

When I had a second bout in college I had a better handle on myself and got counseling, which did help some.  Learning to deal with it, using my faith and other ways of coping made things more livable.  Since that point I've had bad days off and on in small and sometimes larger amounts.  Today for example is not one of my better days.  But it's not exactly bad either.  I wanted to go back to bed all morning, or go sit someplace dark by myself for hours.  I withdraw at my worst times, sometimes that includes being emotional, sometimes it's numb, or simply very negative.  But I deal, and have found that part of the reason I may have more bad days in recent years may be connected to my thyroid problem.  This and other medical conditions can influence depression.  But I still kept working, going to school, and trying to be normal.  However, it can take time to get better and on days where I needed it I always felt guilty, because depression isn't a socially acceptable excuse for many things, like taking a day off from work when you're feeling terrible.  (Article in the link discussing this more in depth)

Some of you may already be familiar with the work of the internet famous Allie Brosh.  She makes marvelous cartoons about Alots and doing ALL THE THINGS! You can find them here if you want to check them out.  Her later comics deal with depression and her own personal experiences with it.  While my experiences are not exactly the same I can certainly relate and find that the way she writes about it can help people who've never personally experienced depression connect with some of the feelings that can be associated and behaviors that are common when dealing with the disease.  If you want to know more about what depression is like I recommend checking out her work.

If you want a more interactive approach then check out http://www.depressionquest.com/ It's a game (very simple to play!)  That shows just how limiting it can be to have depression.  If you wonder why some folks don't get treatment, this might help you understand why (aside from some of the socio-economic reasons or affordability and stigma surrounding the disease that still lingers).

Almost done now guys, I promise.  Two things left.  First in case you're still wondering, depression isn't made up.  Mostly people you meet who talk about it aren't looking for attention, few are, admitting to it means admitting you're weak, broken, etc.  At least culturally that's what we hear often.  However more and more we're finding that depression is physical and can even be related to the bacteria you happen to have living in your gut which can alter your health aiding and even causing Autism, Crohn's disease, depression, obesity, Parkinson's disease, and ADHD as well as other ailments.

I find some days hard to deal with, sure I want to write lots of great blog posts, make amazing art, and be a perfect wife with a lovely home and garden.  The impossibility of all those things at once should be absurdly obvious to you folks, but I know some people manage to accomplish some form of this that on the outside looks amazing.  You probably have some in your Facebook feed, showing off gorgeous slices of their own lives.  On the flip side of things depression often makes our failures, even small ones seem huge, and the admirable goals we set to be beautifully functioning human beings with time and motivation to do all we believe in....well it's a high standard when you just want to crawl into a dark closet.

I leave you guys with this incredible poem by my friend and brother DJ.
Love,
Lydia  

Oh, you want to get out of bed?

Well that’s gonna run ya ‘bout 3 nightmares,

a fear of that noise outside the door

and the crippling anxiety of another jobless

loveless

lifeless

day.

AND you want to get dressed?

Well first, let’s sift through yesterday.

And I’m not even talking about the yellow brick road

of clothes piled up from your bed to your door.

I mean that thing you said

at 2:08 PM

to that girl you’ve been texting

how you agonized for hours

thinking you scared her away

(too).

That shit didn’t even send.

Speaking of sending,

I see you want to make plans.

Well plans

are for people in the light.

Plans are for folks with open doors

and your deadbolts rusted

before you even realized you had them.

I’m not locked in here with you.

You’re locked in here with me.

I put on the inkblots

and you tell me who you see running away in them today.

And your friends?

What friends?

Oh,

you mean the pillars.

The people you lean on until they break.

Don’t you see that everyone you love runs away from you?

What does that say about love

and what does that say about you?

Love is a freeway that avoids me

and everything is a mountaintop,

thick forest,

broken GPS.

Are you hungry now?

Good. 

There’s nothing you could pay me to say

that you deserve food today.

I’ll make everything taste like asphalt

in the south

in the summer.

I’ll burn you with the only thing you thought would never judge you.

And yes, they are judging you.

They see you fumbling with your socks.

They see the holes in the wall,

the tokens of my ritual.

Everyone is fine.

No one is suffering.

This is all in your head.

Now fuck you,

pay me.

Want to go

anywhere?

How many auditory hallucinations

are you willing to pay me in?

How many flashing lights will you mistake for the cops?

How many times will you look at the shoulder

and imagine your car wrapped around the median,

barricade in your chest 

giving you the only hug I’ll let you believe?

And what are you doing now that you’re there?

Watching the entire room.

The cost of going out is taking the whole world in.

You are not wall flower.

How dare you compare yourself to something so beautiful on my watch.

I am not in your mind. I

am

your

mind

and you will give me what I’m owned or

well, there is no else.

Turn every day into your deepest fear

or you don’t have a day at all.

Stop

full stop

every time.

Give me my flesh.

Cut it out of your wrist. 

The payment for survival

is just that -

no living, no being, no enjoying.

Survive. Persist. Exist.

Subsist. Persevere. Extinguish.

Subhuman. Purloined. Excised.

Cut.

Cut.

This is the excise for the end of the day.

You pay to wake up

and pay to sleep

in blood.

In ashes.

In the splinters of the bridges of the day.

Don’t call anyone.

They don’t want to hear from you.

I am your best friend now

and we

are going to be immortal together.

That project

won’t make you live forever.

The obituary will

and you thought I was done bleeding you dry?

Run your shit

because death will cost you everything.

Who will you tell?

Your parents don’t believe you

your siblings need you strong

and your friends?

We’ve been over that.

Your friends will never know.

We’re going to have a going away party for two.

I’ll bring the rope

you bring the bleach

and when they ask what’s wrong

from the good side of a hospital bed

the better side of a casket

tell the truth.

See how they feel 

about depression

taking a toll on you.

A Bit of Reflection

Hi everyone,

So, I know it hasn't been long, but that's exactly what I was hoping for as I work towards making good habit in writing and life in general.  Here goes.

One of the things on my mind lately has been having kids.  Frankly a lot of my thoughts stemmed from contemplation of a couple posts here on Feathers in Our Nest.  Aliesha talks about how she's having another wonderful baby join her family, but knows that can be hard to hear for some folks, and writes about the loss she has experienced herself.  And it's fantastic to hear more and more bloggers be open about their experiences surrounding having and attempting to conceive children.

I know, a bunch of you out there are probably wondering why after two years a couple like Bryan and I haven't produced progeny yet.  Well, we'd love to.  In fact it's been one of our goals for quite a while, but it just hasn't happened for us so far.  And why is a good question I suppose.  We haven't found much in the way of medical reasons, and after 20 months of trying we're still in the testing phase.  We're not really looking for advice, but it's something that we know people will want to give us if the subject comes up because the natural response is to try to help in any way.  However, we're healthy and blessed to have our needs provided for enough we can support kids if we chose to have them or eventually adopt if it comes to that.

And for now we're buying a house, I'll be starting a garden, continuing to build my business, exploring, creating, and developing all kinds of wonderful things.  And I don't want to take any of this time to ourselves for granted, and as introverts we value it.  So I want to use my time wisely.

When I was in high school I wanted nothing more than to get married and have kids, babysitting and childcare were what I was good at.  I didn't really want to go to college, thinking my family couldn't afford it anyway.  Sure I had other goals, writing a book, making music, reading all the books I could get my hands on, and traveling too.  Then after a little while working I realized I could at least try a bit of college at the local community college.  And things changed, I didn't find the right person to marry right away, I fell in love with photography, painting, and Ireland first.

And when the time was just right I met Bryan, who knew he wanted to settle down and have a family; I was 27, things were good.  For now we're building a home (literally!) that we hope to raise our family in.  Some days it's still depressing for my own part, but I don't ever tire of seeing all those who are happy with kids and babies of their own.  I only get tired of having to answer the same questions about myself because I can't give the happy answer people are wishing for.  On the bad days I take it personally, as if there's something wrong in the depths of me.  But there are more than enough who need love in this world to go around, and I'll give it to whoever I'm blessed with.  And I wouldn't change a thing about my life so far, even if it's not what I expected.

Love,
Lydia

Day 1

Hello everyone!

Today's the first of January and the first day of my Art For All Year project.  The goal of the project is to create at least one new work of art each week.  I have a Kickstarter set to go once all the financial information is confirmed.  (They have to make sure I'm me!)  And if this Kickstarter reaches its higher goal I would even be able to make a piece of art for every day of the year.

I'm really excited about this because I love creating new pieces, but lately have had trouble doing so because I feel split between ensuring we have the money needed to pay bills and making the art I love.

So, a bit about me for those of you hearing about me for the first time, or just hearing more in general:

I am originally from Roanoke, Virginia
I  discovered my love of art in the photo labs at Virginia Western Community College
I was part of the class of 2010 at Columbus College of Art and Design in Columbus, Ohio earning a BFA in Fine Arts and a minor in Art History
I worked for LEGO during my time in Ohio
I briefly attended Hollins University as a graduate student where I learned Latin and started making collages
I worked two fabulous summers at Camp Winnebago in Maine, teaching photography
In 2012 I got married and moved to Raleigh, NC where I've been creating my art ever since.

While 2013 was a fantastic year for my personal life I seemed to have taken a step back from my art.  2014 is a year where I am aiming to change this.  Beyond simply creating art I want to make connections and break into the local art scene.  I'd love to show my art in other cities and parts of the world too, and hope to fund the entries to 6-24 shows this year.

Tune in tomorrow for an update on my first piece of the year.  Thanks for reading!

Love, Lydia