Coming Back to Life

Hey friends,

It's been a really long time, hasn't it?  Sorry about that, but I've been going through a lot this past year and it's left me unable to deal with a lot of things the way I'd like to, or how a normal person would, much less keep up with a rigid schedule of blogs, social media, and videos.  And I've learned a lot from the experience and wanted to share some of what I've gone through and catch up with you all.

So this time last fall I was starting to feel symptoms of anxiety, I didn't know that's what it was at the time, but I did get around to realizing it in the past few months.  Mostly this left me feeling like I couldn't handle much socially whether that be in person, returning messages to many dear friends, or writing blog posts or doing other things I love.  Some of that's depression too, and as Bryan has said to me before, sometimes it's hard to tell where depression stops and another issue like anxiety pops up.  I thought the anxiety was mostly a side effect from depression, and I tried to do the best I could.  However I found it harder to keep up with everything as the holidays came closer and I started retreating more often.

The same time as all this was going on Bryan and I had been trying to have a baby for about 3 and a half years, completely unsuccessfully.  It had been taking a toll on our relationship and how confident I felt about myself after so much of what is perceived by society as failures.  We'd done tests, tried some medications, and more and nothing helped.  We finally got to a point where we talked to family members about it some and started to talk seriously about adopting while we hadn't quite stopped trying either.  To us it makes more sense to adopt than pouring a lot of money into something like in-vitro fertilization or other techniques which disrupt your life and procedures and hormonal nightmares while still offering no guarantees.  4 years of trying leaves you very stressed and discouraged.  It's enough to cause depression by itself, so in some ways I'm not surprised a bit that I was having trouble.

After the new year started Bryan and I finally had a good talk about things, with lots of tears and coming to a better understanding of how we both felt let down, pressured, and unhappy with each other and the silent expectation we thought we had to live up to, but never feeling like we could acknowledge it properly.  After that conversation we knew it was time to stop trying.  I'd dealt with a lot of pain each month from my periods and was very glad to go back on birth control to manage it.  I've looked into it as we had all the tests for fertility done, and there's a decent possibility the pain is caused by endometriosis, but there's no way to know for sure without surgery.  My doctor doesn't want to resort to that without better reasons than we currently have, which were mostly unexplained infertility and enough pain that I had to go on birth control back in college because otherwise I'd miss classes regularly since no pain killers can help on my worst days.

Around the same time I'd had my yearly physical and had my blood glucose test come back in the pre-diabetic range.  I'd not worried about this too much in the past, but with all the was going on I had gained some weight over the holidays and wasn't in a great place.  I was told to try to be more healthy, and come back for follow up tests in a month or two to assess whether the blood glucose reading was an anomaly or something to worry about.  In some ways this was a wake up call since I do have a family history of diabetes.  Somewhere between the two visits I made the decision that I wanted to be healthier, and was serious about it.

That spring proved to be a very hard time though, and while I did get healthier metabolically I also got sick a lot, several times with stomach bugs, plus the normal cold or two, and between it all I threw my back out horribly.  I didn't really recover from it until mid April, but during that time I did start walking more, because that would help with my back some.  I honestly got so little done at home during that time that it left me feeling very guilty, and I backed away further from friends as I found sitting up to use a computer hurt.  I had started back on birth control in February and found it lifted a lot of my depression, though I still have the occasional bad day it's much less often.  And when I went back for follow up testing things were better!  I had started to change how I thought about eating and pay more attention to my eating habits in general so I'd be more sensible and balanced.

The summer was a bit of a mixed bag as I tried to find some balance between the healthy habits I was trying to make, more going on with family, and trying to deal with things around the house again and contemplating art again after depression led me to abandon it for several years.  Often I felt like I'd take two steps forward and one step back, but things were slowly getting better.

As fall has started I've been dipping my toe into a lot of things, remaking habits to create, socialize, and hopefully run my business again.  I've been doing it all with a much different approach than before, where I tried to do too much, imposing perfectionistic ideals that led to cycles of failure, depression, and self sabotage.  Now when I start something I ask myself a lot more questions about the process with the thought of making sustainable habits, and making myself healthier mentally along the way.

You're probably thinking that's a lot of mental health jargon and not a lot of concrete goals.  But it's been helping me.  I've been tackling the Inktober challenge; it's a trend that started for artists to create an ink drawing each day for the month of October.  I've been taking it with a more forgiving attitude, allowing myself to take more time on some pieces, and get caught up on others.  And sharing these pieces has been getting me back into talking and posting on social media, as well as working on refreshing my Etsy shop to include the new pieces and put more polish on what's already there.  Once I get through with Inktober I'll be working on serious pieces more often too.  Right now I've got one watercolor going to get back into practice.  I do have to admit that putting things down for so long has left me rusty.  On the flip side starting over has given me new ideas and left me feeling more refreshed in many ways than I have in a long time.  I kind of wonder now if what made me stop wasn't just depression, but a bit of burnout too.  In any case, it's good to be back.

I'm not quite sure what that means for what I'll be writing here on the blog, but I hope you'll stick with me as I try to find out.  I know two things though, first off I want to work on projects that leave me feeling satisfied, maybe that means I'll write about fashion some, or art more, or subscription boxes sometimes, I'm almost sure I'll write about books, and probably a lot more.  That overall leads me to my number  two...

Thanks for reading everyone, and until next time.

Where am I? And "Sister, Spy" Book Review

Hi friends!

I know I haven't been around much lately, and I wanted to give you an update as to why.  For the first time in what feels like a long time many of the reasons are good.  And I'm happy to share some great things on the horizon too!

Where I've Been...

First of all May kept me busy, I've been in a great group coaching course called the Own It Academy, led by Jessica Rasdall (She's amazing!  Her story is unique and moving; definitely check her out if you want to learn how to convey your stories to folks!).  The class has been a fantastic experience that's had me writing away as I learn more about how to tell my story to you all.  The idea behind the course is boldly owning up to your story for the world to see and telling it effectively, so your audience can be encouraged, learn from what you have to say, and understand what it's like to be you.   We're about 2/3 of the way through the course now and along the way I realized the writing I've been doing there has honestly sapped away at my creative energy for posts.  So I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I usually am, but I'm happy to be learning a lot, which I'm excited to start sharing with you all.

One of the biggest things I've discovered is how I've been looking for balance in my life and failing to find it.  Mostly because I push myself so hard to reach goals that are unrealistic.  I imagine you all can relate, you set great goals that when you look at each one individually seem quite attainable, but when you look at the big picture you realize you're trying too hard to be superwoman.  Honestly, my goals have been ambitious, and that's not taken into account how I deal with depression or other areas of my life I want to respect.

It's made me re-think my plans and goals for the future.  I'm prioritizing being happier and not being down on myself because I've set a course that's impossible to follow and be healthy.  It means that instead of trying to post 3 times a week I'll try for 1-2 really great quality posts that will help you, my wonderful readers, much more.  I love spending the time to research topics, creating great images, and fully writing out my ideas to give you the best I can.  I'm looking forward to doing more of that.  Right now my biggest problem is that I have loads of great ideas to write about, and have learn to put some of those ideas on the back burner!

Other than that I've been doing a lot with family, like having my parents visit, attending my brother in law Davey's wedding, and spending time with my husband.  I've dealt with a nasty cold, and some other health issues, which are thankfully getting better, though I'll touch on them more in a future post.  And in the past month my husband, Bryan, had been waiting for and finally received notice that the job he'd been contracting for the past 6 months is hiring him as a permanent employee.  We're super thrilled about that and starting to think ahead for some new developments in our personal life related to the increased stability we'll be so lucky to have.

Sister, Spy - Book Review

I love finding new books in a variety of genres, and while normally spy stories aren't my thing the premise of this one captured my interest.  And luckily I was given a copy of it to review by the publisher.  "Sister, Spy" by Menahem Misgav is about a pair of siblings who survived WWII living in monasteries and were recruited by the Soviets to spy for them in the fledgling country of Israel.

The first third of the book starts with a situation where the brother is killed, then we learn more about his family and how they lived the war.  A good amount of the next third of the book is about how he and his sister came to be spies. (Including a chapter on the sister's sexual awakening and subsequent relationships, which was a little graphic for my tastes, with all the parts of the story before it being focused on the family it was a little jarring.)  Finally in the last third of the book we get to see why the brother was killed and what his sister and father will do now that he's gone.

Overall I enjoyed the author's writing style quite a bit and found a fast and engaging read.  Other than the sexual content the only other fault I might have would be with some light mistakes in editing, all homonyms that snuck through the editing process.  I feel like this happens with many recently published books I read, since publishing now relies so heavily on spellcheck as an editing tool.  Perhaps this means I should take up editing?  In any case such a common issue it's hardly worth mentioning if I weren't such a grammar nerd.  I think most people with an interest in Holocaust survivors, spies, or Cold War fiction will enjoy this novel.  Please check it out here on Amazon through this affiliate link.

Coming Soon

More book reviews!

A follow up article with more reviews of LuLaRoe clothing than the popular original post (found here).

About a dozen videos, including lots of unboxings of beauty, geek, craftsy, and food boxes, plus my first fashion review on film!

And last but not least here's a brand new giveaway if you scroll down, because it's been too long since I've had some fun with you all!  Thanks and I'll see you all again very soon.

This giveaway includes a pair of LuLaRoe leggings in size TC (Tall & Curvy, fits sizes 12-24) 3 pairs of owl socks, and 2 pairs of "invisible" or "floating" style cat socks.  The owl and cat socks can be found here (owls) and here (cats) through my Amazon affiliate links.  LuLaRoe clothing is sold through local or online consultants, you can buy leggings through my consultant, Nicole's Facebook group here.  None of the companies involved paid me in any way, I just wanted to share some fun clothing with you all in this month's giveaway, which runs until July 4th!

LuLaRoe Leggings and Cute Sock Giveaway

My First Bestowed Box!

Hello folks,

For Christmas I received a subscription to the Bestowed Box, a subscription box full of healthy goodies to make meals and try as snacks.  Below is my review of the December box!

December Bestowed Box

What do you all think?  I just got my January box a couple days ago, so I'll be reviewing that one soon too!  If you'd like more information on the Bestowed Box click here◊ (with my affiliate link) and if you want to try it out get 10% off your subscription with code LOVEHEALTHY.

And if you haven't had a chance yet please take a peek at my unboxing of the Enchanted Beauty Box, a brand new Disney themed (starting with Star Wars) beauty box.  And enter to win a box of your own in my giveaway!

I'll see you all again soon, and no, I've not forgotten about publishing my winter capsule wardrobe.  It's on the way, I've just been taking care of myself more lately, so writing at a more healthy pace instead of last minute speed runs is working better.

New Years Resolutions or All The Lists

Hi friends!

It's a brand new year and I'm excited to hit the ground running now that the last Christmas celebrations are completed (The first weekend of January we had an extended family shindig).  In past years I haven't done much in the way of making resolutions, I've never believed in diets or going cold turkey to change your life.  But this year I'm going to try at a couple that I know will make my life better in healthy incremental ways that I wait to keep up for the rest of my life.

New Years Resolutions

1. Make smaller attainable goals for my life each month, to improve my motivation levels.
2. Not be discouraged by my failures, but learn from them.  Mostly the not be discouraged part though, 'cause seriously...I fail at my goals so often because life and mental health issues just happen.
3. Celebrate the good stuff no matter how small, to cultivate gratitude and boost my positive thinking.
4. Exercise daily, which is a habit I will build gradually.  But eventually I want to have at least 5 minutes and ideally 30 minutes spent doing something that's not sitting on my butt.
5. Do some of the things I've had my list forever, and by this I mean fun things like that book I've meant to read, tackling Steam games I've had for over a year without trying, and new foods or travel experiences.

To get things started off I'm going to go over some of my January goals here, because writing about them makes me feel more motivated to take them on.

January Goals

1. Write or post videos here 3 times a week.
2. Get in exercise 2-3 times a week consistently this month.  Learn to love it along the way.
3. Play 2 new Steam games, read 5 new books, listen to new music every week.
4. Do one of those new things every day, because they're fun!
5. Try cleaning my house for 15 minutes each day.

January Blog Related Goals

I almost didn't share this with you guys, but I feel like it's a really important part of what I'm doing that needs to be seen.  Bloggers work hard too, especially when we're making it our job.  And that's my main goal these days, which is hard sometimes, but all my successes get me excited.  I really want to share that with you all!

1. Meet my new monthly goal of over 5,000 visitors here.  Last month I was down a bit at 2134, but in November I had 3630.  I can do this!
2. Post to social media daily and increase followers to the specified numbers - Facebook page 125, Twitter 350, Tsu, empowr, and Instagram 500), and post to YouTube weekly to work my way to 50 subscribers.
3. Blog about the cool new things I'm trying out.  Seriously, this is the fun part that I get to share with you guys!  Also I want stick with my planned post schedule at least 60% this month.
4. Contact some companies that I love or want to try out and review them here in partnership posts.
5. Give my blog a beautiful facelift with the help of some great branding advisors.

Here's a peek at some of the font tests, a bit of which I'm already starting to implement!

This Week's "Menu"

1. Start the cleaning and exercise routines mentioned above.
2. Start the post routines on social media.
3. Plan time for fun new things daily and make it happen.
4. Write a book review post Wednesday.  (Let's see how I did on my 2015 reading challenge!)
5. Finish creating my Winter 2016 Capsule Wardrobe. (So excited about this one!)
6. Prep for and then talk to my branding advisors.

As you can see things are looking good, and I'm hoping for a fantastic year of growth in many areas of my life.  And to top things off, this past week Bryan and I had our third anniversary.  We have yet to really sit down and celebrate it, but we're going to try to do something special soon.  This week we're opting for a normal date night, which I don't mind since we're just getting back into the swing of things after all the busyness of the holidays.

I hope all you readers had a great holiday season, let me know what your resolutions are in comments.  Or better yet tell me how you've been able to keep up with the resolutions you've made in the past!  Tips are always welcome when you're just starting out in any new endeavor.

Happy New Year,

Reasons Why I Blog

Hey folks,

So I was asked this question recently, "what's your blog for", and it got me thinking.  I've been able to write my thoughts online for a long time, first via a very old Tripod website, then on Live Journal and now here.  Being able to write out my thoughts has been something that's been very healthy for me mentally and a great aid to thinking through whatever I might be going through in life.  As an introvert I find it especially helpful because I end up energized after making my thoughts more clean and dedicating them to a file or written page, rather than rolling around in my head.  It's helped me when I'm in some of my deeper bouts with depression as it allowed me to pour out my worries, share my fears, and simply let people know what's going on in my life, even when it's not happy stuff.

Sometimes it's easier to write out my thoughts than say them to another person because I can be more articulate and can talk to many people at once without wearying myself as I would if I tried to do the same thing in person!  And even when I didn't write online (in college mostly), I wrote in a notebook often, and am still in the habit of carrying a little notebook with me.  I don't think my cell phone note taking will ever replace it.  Especially knowing I'll be able to remember things better when I write by hand since it engages more parts of the brain at once, making better memories of what was written.

However this blog started as a way to document and share art processes as I was trying to get a Kickstarter campaign going to fund a body of artwork.  It failed to work out, but the blog stuck, and I've slowly changed it from talking about art to more of my life.  I realized some friends I don't talk to as often and even my family members now that we live further away from each other like hearing what's happening in my life, and this blog filled that need.  It's become more multimedia over time, and in some ways becomes its own art form, since writing is after all just another of the arts.

Now this blog is also about ways of sharing my interests i.e. books, fashion, travel, and social issues.  Something like a plus size capsule wardrobe is unique enough that I might even get to help some people as the make their own, similarly ethical fashion in plus size is hard to find too.  And then I might go make a DIY chalkboard tutorial or post a family recipe for chili .  It makes for very eclectic reading, but those of you who have met me know just how that word suits me.  I hope I strike a balance that keeps you all interested, you're welcome to holler at me if you want more of something I haven't mentioned in a while too!  Overall I sincerely hope my many interests will be a good influence on my readers and help me meet others from a variety of backgrounds too.

In some way blogging is like a having a superpower.  I'm just starting to realize how powerful it can be, which is both odd and enlightening to someone who'd not used to seeking the spotlight actively for most of her life.  I'm not even sure I'm seeking it now, at least not so much for myself.  Because, here's the thing, friends, if I ever become that loud annoying person I would hate myself.  I just want to start some conversations and share what knowledge I have that might be useful.  So my superpower is hopefully one I can share with all of you as I open up a safe place for discussion and help bring in wonderful individuals to engage with.

And for now I'll just keep writing and trying to remember that "With great power there must also come great responsibility" (Stan Lee).  The responsibility to write regularly and continue overcoming the depression that tells me to do otherwise.  So Wednesday I'll be back again, and hope you'll join me.  Til then!

Love,
Lydia

More Fiction Reviews

Hi folks,

Today I've got 5 book reviews in store for you all, here goes!

Geekomancy by Michael R. Underwood is the first in a series of lighthearted adventures that I'm only halfway through.  I was really unsure if I would like this book, and at times I thought it tried too hard to get in as many geeky references as possible.  However, in all I really enjoyed the protagonist, Ree, and the rest of her world.  The premise that all things geeky can be used to power a type of magic and the stuff of most sci fi and fantasy stories has some kind of reality beneath it.  If you love all things geek this is fun, if not you may not like it as much, but it was enjoyable for me.

Celebromancy by Michael R. Underwood is the second in the series, and while I enjoyed hearing more about the world (or underworld depending on how you see it), I thought this book wasn't quite as good as the first.  This book looks at the magic of Hollywood and movie culture.  I found the characters a little less relatable, but still enjoyed the story.  I'll definitely be reading the next book in this series when I have the chance.

The Long War by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter follows up from The Long Earth.  The book looks at how within a generation those who've colonized the long earth are deemed less important by those in charge of the original earth.  They want to make sure they own the land across each world and can tax the citizens throughout since it costs more to send people and supplies to further worlds.  When war comes the way it's handled is unique and we see both familiar and new characters solving the problems of the long earth.

 The Long Mars by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter picks up not too long after the last book and explore space travel while also following Joshua and Lobsang on another of their adventures and watching what unfolds as original earth faces its own disaster.  I feel like this series is one you'll either love or hate from the reviews I've read, and personally I love it.  There's a storyline that should lead nicely into the next volume of this series and I can't wait to read it.

 The Reluctant Midwife by Patricia Harman is a novel I just picked up in the last week and have burned through quickly.  It's a great period book set during the Great Depression and manages to convey the gravity of the time very well.  We follow Nurse Becky's troubles and joys as she helps deliver babies and finally finds a community to be at home in.  If you like any of the things mentioned above with a dash of sound medical facts thrown in this is a great read for you.  It's the second book in a series, but I wasn't able to tell and found out after I finished reading it.

Hope this give you some great ideas for summer reads.  I'll be heading to the beach next week with a copy of Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte), A Walk in the Woods (Bill Bryson), and Trust Me I'm Lying (Ryan Holiday).  No promises on how much I'll actually read, because at the beach things are pretty unscheduled. But you all will hear from me as I continue posting about books, fashion, and life.

Beyond all that I've started editing my blog some and now have labels on all my posts.  At the bottom of each post you'll find some links with words related to the post so you can see any other posts on the same subject.  Hopefully this will allow you all to find whatever book, tutorial, or other story you need easily.  Let me know if you have any suggestion for words I should add to a post!  Thanks, I'll see you next time.

Love,
Lydia

Reasons I Can't Do What I Want

Hey everyone,
So, I've been working on this post for a while.  I want to talk a bit about depression and how it's affected me over the years.  Also it allows me to share the talents and insights from others on this subject, all of which are much more eloquent than my own.  This is also going to be a long post, and sparse in the way of images, but hang in there with me.  It's worth it, I promise.

For me I first dealt with depression around when I graduated from high school.  Part of what caused it may have been related to a bad first breakup, but I think some of it might have happened due to family predisposition as well.  There's not a lot of way to know yet medically speaking.  Scientists are coming closer and closer to figuring why and how we become depressed, but there are still a lot of questions to be answered.

My first experience with depression was honestly pretty severe.  I wish I could say I'd gotten proper help with it, and told family, but I didn't.  I had no awareness of the family tendencies til much more recently, and having met the counselor someone I knew had seen, I felt their methods weren't worth my time.  And I thought all those in counseling were probably like that, or at least most.  The one thing I did right in all that time was hold onto my friends, and tell a handful of the closest ones my fears.  To this day I am thankful for the 17-19 years olds who kept me sane in my darkest hours, you all know who you are.  After most of a year where I little appetite and faked being ok to everyone around me while wanted to sleep all day and couldn't sleep at night I started to get better.  My whole life was getting better and my depression moved on with it for the most part.  Occasionally I'd still have a bad day here and there.

When I had a second bout in college I had a better handle on myself and got counseling, which did help some.  Learning to deal with it, using my faith and other ways of coping made things more livable.  Since that point I've had bad days off and on in small and sometimes larger amounts.  Today for example is not one of my better days.  But it's not exactly bad either.  I wanted to go back to bed all morning, or go sit someplace dark by myself for hours.  I withdraw at my worst times, sometimes that includes being emotional, sometimes it's numb, or simply very negative.  But I deal, and have found that part of the reason I may have more bad days in recent years may be connected to my thyroid problem.  This and other medical conditions can influence depression.  But I still kept working, going to school, and trying to be normal.  However, it can take time to get better and on days where I needed it I always felt guilty, because depression isn't a socially acceptable excuse for many things, like taking a day off from work when you're feeling terrible.  (Article in the link discussing this more in depth)

Some of you may already be familiar with the work of the internet famous Allie Brosh.  She makes marvelous cartoons about Alots and doing ALL THE THINGS! You can find them here if you want to check them out.  Her later comics deal with depression and her own personal experiences with it.  While my experiences are not exactly the same I can certainly relate and find that the way she writes about it can help people who've never personally experienced depression connect with some of the feelings that can be associated and behaviors that are common when dealing with the disease.  If you want to know more about what depression is like I recommend checking out her work.

If you want a more interactive approach then check out http://www.depressionquest.com/ It's a game (very simple to play!)  That shows just how limiting it can be to have depression.  If you wonder why some folks don't get treatment, this might help you understand why (aside from some of the socio-economic reasons or affordability and stigma surrounding the disease that still lingers).

Almost done now guys, I promise.  Two things left.  First in case you're still wondering, depression isn't made up.  Mostly people you meet who talk about it aren't looking for attention, few are, admitting to it means admitting you're weak, broken, etc.  At least culturally that's what we hear often.  However more and more we're finding that depression is physical and can even be related to the bacteria you happen to have living in your gut which can alter your health aiding and even causing Autism, Crohn's disease, depression, obesity, Parkinson's disease, and ADHD as well as other ailments.

I find some days hard to deal with, sure I want to write lots of great blog posts, make amazing art, and be a perfect wife with a lovely home and garden.  The impossibility of all those things at once should be absurdly obvious to you folks, but I know some people manage to accomplish some form of this that on the outside looks amazing.  You probably have some in your Facebook feed, showing off gorgeous slices of their own lives.  On the flip side of things depression often makes our failures, even small ones seem huge, and the admirable goals we set to be beautifully functioning human beings with time and motivation to do all we believe in....well it's a high standard when you just want to crawl into a dark closet.

I leave you guys with this incredible poem by my friend and brother DJ.
Love,
Lydia  

Oh, you want to get out of bed?

Well that’s gonna run ya ‘bout 3 nightmares,

a fear of that noise outside the door

and the crippling anxiety of another jobless

loveless

lifeless

day.

AND you want to get dressed?

Well first, let’s sift through yesterday.

And I’m not even talking about the yellow brick road

of clothes piled up from your bed to your door.

I mean that thing you said

at 2:08 PM

to that girl you’ve been texting

how you agonized for hours

thinking you scared her away

(too).

That shit didn’t even send.

Speaking of sending,

I see you want to make plans.

Well plans

are for people in the light.

Plans are for folks with open doors

and your deadbolts rusted

before you even realized you had them.

I’m not locked in here with you.

You’re locked in here with me.

I put on the inkblots

and you tell me who you see running away in them today.

And your friends?

What friends?

Oh,

you mean the pillars.

The people you lean on until they break.

Don’t you see that everyone you love runs away from you?

What does that say about love

and what does that say about you?

Love is a freeway that avoids me

and everything is a mountaintop,

thick forest,

broken GPS.

Are you hungry now?

Good. 

There’s nothing you could pay me to say

that you deserve food today.

I’ll make everything taste like asphalt

in the south

in the summer.

I’ll burn you with the only thing you thought would never judge you.

And yes, they are judging you.

They see you fumbling with your socks.

They see the holes in the wall,

the tokens of my ritual.

Everyone is fine.

No one is suffering.

This is all in your head.

Now fuck you,

pay me.

Want to go

anywhere?

How many auditory hallucinations

are you willing to pay me in?

How many flashing lights will you mistake for the cops?

How many times will you look at the shoulder

and imagine your car wrapped around the median,

barricade in your chest 

giving you the only hug I’ll let you believe?

And what are you doing now that you’re there?

Watching the entire room.

The cost of going out is taking the whole world in.

You are not wall flower.

How dare you compare yourself to something so beautiful on my watch.

I am not in your mind. I

am

your

mind

and you will give me what I’m owned or

well, there is no else.

Turn every day into your deepest fear

or you don’t have a day at all.

Stop

full stop

every time.

Give me my flesh.

Cut it out of your wrist. 

The payment for survival

is just that -

no living, no being, no enjoying.

Survive. Persist. Exist.

Subsist. Persevere. Extinguish.

Subhuman. Purloined. Excised.

Cut.

Cut.

This is the excise for the end of the day.

You pay to wake up

and pay to sleep

in blood.

In ashes.

In the splinters of the bridges of the day.

Don’t call anyone.

They don’t want to hear from you.

I am your best friend now

and we

are going to be immortal together.

That project

won’t make you live forever.

The obituary will

and you thought I was done bleeding you dry?

Run your shit

because death will cost you everything.

Who will you tell?

Your parents don’t believe you

your siblings need you strong

and your friends?

We’ve been over that.

Your friends will never know.

We’re going to have a going away party for two.

I’ll bring the rope

you bring the bleach

and when they ask what’s wrong

from the good side of a hospital bed

the better side of a casket

tell the truth.

See how they feel 

about depression

taking a toll on you.

A Bit of Reflection

Hi everyone,

So, I know it hasn't been long, but that's exactly what I was hoping for as I work towards making good habit in writing and life in general.  Here goes.

One of the things on my mind lately has been having kids.  Frankly a lot of my thoughts stemmed from contemplation of a couple posts here on Feathers in Our Nest.  Aliesha talks about how she's having another wonderful baby join her family, but knows that can be hard to hear for some folks, and writes about the loss she has experienced herself.  And it's fantastic to hear more and more bloggers be open about their experiences surrounding having and attempting to conceive children.

I know, a bunch of you out there are probably wondering why after two years a couple like Bryan and I haven't produced progeny yet.  Well, we'd love to.  In fact it's been one of our goals for quite a while, but it just hasn't happened for us so far.  And why is a good question I suppose.  We haven't found much in the way of medical reasons, and after 20 months of trying we're still in the testing phase.  We're not really looking for advice, but it's something that we know people will want to give us if the subject comes up because the natural response is to try to help in any way.  However, we're healthy and blessed to have our needs provided for enough we can support kids if we chose to have them or eventually adopt if it comes to that.

And for now we're buying a house, I'll be starting a garden, continuing to build my business, exploring, creating, and developing all kinds of wonderful things.  And I don't want to take any of this time to ourselves for granted, and as introverts we value it.  So I want to use my time wisely.

When I was in high school I wanted nothing more than to get married and have kids, babysitting and childcare were what I was good at.  I didn't really want to go to college, thinking my family couldn't afford it anyway.  Sure I had other goals, writing a book, making music, reading all the books I could get my hands on, and traveling too.  Then after a little while working I realized I could at least try a bit of college at the local community college.  And things changed, I didn't find the right person to marry right away, I fell in love with photography, painting, and Ireland first.

And when the time was just right I met Bryan, who knew he wanted to settle down and have a family; I was 27, things were good.  For now we're building a home (literally!) that we hope to raise our family in.  Some days it's still depressing for my own part, but I don't ever tire of seeing all those who are happy with kids and babies of their own.  I only get tired of having to answer the same questions about myself because I can't give the happy answer people are wishing for.  On the bad days I take it personally, as if there's something wrong in the depths of me.  But there are more than enough who need love in this world to go around, and I'll give it to whoever I'm blessed with.  And I wouldn't change a thing about my life so far, even if it's not what I expected.

Love,
Lydia

Days 102-152

Hi folks,

It's been far too long since my last post, and for all my high hopes of posting more regularly I've missed the mark.  However, I will give an update on how things have been going and share some of the things that have kept me busy for the last month and a half.  Here's part 1 now:

After working as a temp at Anthropologie for two weeks (full time, which ended up throwing off my usual routine badly, including my posts here), I made a bid to stay on as a sales associate, and started working again about two weeks later on May 4th.  In the inbetween time I did spring cleaning, continued the job search, and participated in family stuffs.  As for the job, I've still got some things to learn, but it's coming along well.  I actually can wear some of their clothes, which really surprised me since their size charts say they only go up to about a 14.  I've found that shirts can be variable in fit and it just goes to show that you shouldn't put too much stock in what the tags say since nothing in women's sizing is standardized.

However, all this thought about clothing and women had me thinking about how we perceive ourselves.   I know I'm big, fat, curvy, fluffy, chunky, stout, or whatever you want to call it; I usually wear a 18/20 or xxl-2x on top and 20-24 and 1x-3x for bottoms and weigh 247 lbs.  I don't have a problem with my looks or the numbers associated with each inch of my curves; I love my body, it's mine after all!  I'm healthy in all the ways doctors measure, and take care of myself with exercise and balanced diet habits.  (Not that I should have to defend myself, but being different from the cultural ideal on the outside means people will question and make assumptions about my insides too, whether it be health, habits, or qualities of character.)  But I want to be really honest here, and I want people to realize just what 200+ lbs looks like.  It's certainly not what Hollywood would make you believe because bodies are so unique, especially women's.

To Hollywood Jennifer Lawrence is fat, and Mindy Kaling is huge, which is just silly.  If you were to meet them you'd realize they're more normal and probably still smaller than most of the women you know.  (Plus there's Photoshopped versions everywhere making our perspectives even more out of proportion, though that's a matter I'll leave alone for now!)  Movies and TV portray larger people as the butt of jokes, especially women, and as undesirable or even subhuman.  The words fat and lazy or fat and stupid somehow seem to pair well together as stereotypes in people's minds after being used as insults for long enough.  Studies even show that the attitude has trickled down into hiring practices for jobs.  Larger women are automatically perceived as less competent, discriminated against in many ways for it, and there's more you can read here.  And to clarify, they're looking at obesity as measured by BMI, which for someone who's 5' 6" like me would mean weighing 186 lbs or more, making where obesity starts not as large as you might think.  But please keep in mind BMI is simply a demographic tool created in the 1800s as a mathematical formula for aiding those looking at population trends in the larger picture.  It was never actually meant to be used as a tool to measure the health of individuals, and most European doctors laugh at us Americans using it as such.

For example here is a site that shows what real people look like and shows you what they weigh and the size they wear as well as being able to search through all the information by several different criteria - and this is what 300 pounds actually looks like. VS this and well, not much else because Hollywood has been pretty scared of showing women who are larger as part of their regular viewing repertoire.  (Mike and Molly, and shows like Glee are starting to change this, but only recently!)  And really how many people in Hollywood are even over a size 8?  Yet the average size in America is a 14, and there are plenty of people larger than that too.  Many clothing companies for fashion forward styles only go up to that 14, or perhaps an 18 for the more budget friendly labels, which makes little sense in the current market as it cuts so many women off from trends and well made clothing.  It's something I care about quite a bit despite wearing tshirts and jeans half the time....they're easier to come by, especially for someone who is prone to getting paint or chemicals on them!  But being at Anthro, well.....it's a job you get to dress up for.  Which is a fun challenge for me; our budget is tight, but we've fit in new things like a gauzy maxi skirt here and floral button down there.

Additionally, I came across this really great article that looks at women's attitudes about size and how the media comes into play concerning how satisfied we are with ourselves.  You can skip all the other links in the post as long as you make the time for this one!  It's pretty powerful in expressing some of the things that I used to think were what separated me from all the "girly" girls and women I've interacted with.  I was simply never able to think or talk that way about myself or others.  I have a sense of self respect, that stems partially from the way I fundamentally see people - created in God's image or from a scientific viewpoint wonderfully unique genetically!  And as people each of us has value, we all have something we can contribute to society, which can be physical or intellectual.  So, sure I'll tell you if your clothes seem to fit you well or not if we're shopping, but what the article highlights the more sinister tendencies that shape the negative ways we can see ourselves.  However, this is why I don't talk about whether I'm on a diet or if food makes me feel guilty (it doesn't for the record).  They just make people feel worse, including yourself.  Food shouldn't trigger guilt, it should be reminding us of the good things that come out of the earth and the happy times we've shared with loved ones. (due to scents, flavors, and other sensation associated with the foods, which are ways we build connections to memories in our neurostructure thanks to the tactile nature of experiences that happen to include food.)

And beyond all that, to tie in art here, I think art featuring a variety of bodies is just more interesting than if everyone was about the same size.  The same as life in general should be when you stop and think about it.  After all, we wouldn't want everyone with blond hair, blue eyes, and fair skin either.  Variety is good, seeing it helps us appreciate ourselves more as we learn that each feature is interesting and beautiful in its own way.  Some of you may have already seen this one or similar earlier versions, but I wanted to share some Photoshopped versions of famous art.  They're all more round than what we're used to seeing, but still show some variety while being idealized as well.  They're certainly closer to an attainable, healthy reality than the tendency to skewing small is in today's culture.  Not that people need to bother emulating any of what we see....unless of course we're talking about painting techniques!  In which case...go ahead as long as you steal well enough to make the idea your own new version of the thing.

So, this has been a really loaded post, which hopefully some of you will enjoy.  I'll reveal more about what's been going on in my life during next post!  I should have more time over the next few days now that I'm getting back into a routine.

Love, Lydia

Days 32-36

Hello dear readers,

Over the past few days I've been hard at work promoting my Kickstarter - http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/lydiadickson/art-for-all-year-2014  Any help spreading the word and getting pledges in would be fantastic!  Things are close to the end, but haven't progressed too far.  However, as I said in an earlier post I'm not giving up hope on accomplishing my goal of creating at least one piece per week.  It will just be a harder later in the year if I end up getting another job to go with it.

In any case I've got lots of works in progress, the character portrait, which is to be titled "Bianca" is progressing nicely.  And I'm also working on a couple of other projects, but I'm keeping them under wraps at the moment.  Once I get done with the Kickstarter I'll probably be able to mention more.  I feel like I'm being very secretive this past week, and I'm kind of sorry, but most of it is just having a lot to do, and being more of a private person in general.  I do have things to share with you all, they just don't always flow out of me steadily.  Also, sometimes my life is a bit boring.  I keep busy making stuff, and do housewife stuff.  (All the while planning crazy trips to new places and scheming to make things happen which may or may not ever pan out)  At least I dream big!

So, going on to the next topic.   I was thinking earlier today and wondering what music people favor when they're working on creative projects.  I'd love to hear from you all about particular songs or albums that you've found helpful or inspiring.  I'm always looking for more new music and have found that lately I'm listening to a lot of the same thing.  I have a lot of music, but am looking for some new perspective too.  So please hit me with your best shots!  As for me, lately I've found Fleet Foxes album Helplessness Blues to be pretty inspiring and I'm starting to get into the latest Avett Brothers album as well.  They're rather similar in feel, so they don't cover all the moods I need music for while working, but are good for many occasions.

Beyond my creative work I've also been working on health plans and such to keep up with my goals there.  I've been keeping track of my food intake and monitoring it to see how it compares to what my ideals are....and was surprised to find I'm not quite as great at estimating everything I'm doing.  Some days I'm great, but other days I don't realize at all!  So I'll be keeping up with tracking things for a while longer until I see more permanent changes in my habits and choices.  I'm trying to keep things vague here because I don't like talking about numbers, it gets to being very specific to an individual person and I don't want to make anyone's ideas any worse than our society is already making them.  I'm also keeping up with exercises, between dance games on the Wii, yoga, walking, and doing a challenge focused on squats.  The biggest thing I'm looking for is getting more energy and feeling better.  Over the past couple years I've had a very noticeable dip in my energy levels, which is partially due to some thyroid issues, but something I want to overcome if possible.

Sorry I'm all talk and no pictures this time, but I want to hear back from you all.  Let me know what you think, I want to get some conversation going!

Love, Lydia

Day 24

Welcome to my blog,

So today I've been thinking about goals.  I happened to read a post by a guy named Mike Hyatt who owns a publishing house and blogs about writing, among other things.  The post he wrote is about mistakes people make when setting goals.  You can read the article here.  It's got me thinking about some of my big goals for this year and I thought I'd share them with you all.

Most of you who read this already know about my Kickstarter and the goals that go with it.  If I meet the low goal I'll be able to create a piece of art every week this year and end up with 52 pieces.  The larger goal is making a piece every day and ending up with a full 365 pieces.  The more I work on these goals, sending out messages via Etsy, Facebook, Twitter and the like the more determined I am to at least get the 52 pieces made, whether or not I have the funding.  If I have to I'll make paintings on whatever scraps of paper I have left if I can't afford to buy more supplies.  I've at least got the watercolor paint to make it through a year of that, though collages and other art forms wouldn't have the same luck.  And so far I'm right on track with that, having finished 3 pieces at just over 3 weeks in.  I've got another 8 pieces in progress and ideas for lots more written down.  I think half my trouble comes from finding what to get started on first!

I have some other goals too though.  Some more personal ones like finding a good church to go to here in Raleigh.  Sometimes I feel like that's hard because Bryan and I grew up in really different styles of churches, though our personal beliefs are really similar.  I'm not going to go into the spiritual parts of it all, because this isn't the place for that.  However, I really look forward to finding a place with good community because I miss having friends here.  I have lots of family that so far has filled in very well, but I know I need to have friends outside of relatives.  I think of all of this as things that will feed my emotional stability and improve my mental health.

I also want to get my art established better here in the Raleigh area, and I would really love to participate in a couple of shows my the end of the year.  I've also thought about showing my work in other areas too, and would like to be able to that.  And I would like to join some artist associations so I can get to know other artists. network, and just get in the loop about things.  All of that is a little more dependent on money, which brings me to the next big goal.

Working on tackling our finances.  I've got student loans, we had our car get totaled a couple months back and had a huge rise in car insurance simply for living somewhere there's a risk of being rear-ended, plus the costs of a "new" car.  However, it's taught me how to be a couponer, and we're now masters of making and sticking to budgets.  We also eat out a lot less than we used to.  Recently I switched to an Obamacare plan, in my case it cut my insurance costs in half compared to my husband's employee insurance!  Next month things will start looking up as we've finally caught up to all the things that were setting us back so much the past few months.  We're buying a fantastic photograph from Matthew Alexander, a fellow CCAD alum as a way of celebrating making this goal!

For mental stimulation I've vowed to read at least one new book each month, which if you know me isn't a huge goal.  I was the 10 year old kid who read over 100 books one summer, because a kind library patron saw that the summer reading program wasn't enough challenge for me.  She asked me to make it to 50 instead, and then gave me a gift card for a local bookstore.  I kept going and hit 100 books before school started that fall.  However, I read a lot less when I was at CCAD, and making art in high gear cuts down on my reading time.  Since it's also some of my best mental fuel I'm making a point of keeping it around!

Lastly I've also been making more effort than ever to be healthy.  Simply getting in more fruit and veggies and less junk, eating more organic and local, and putting more exercise into my daily routine.  I'd been doing dance workouts about twice a week for most of the last year, but now I'm also adding in yoga 1-2 times a week, some weight training, walking, plus other routines too.  And last year I gave up keeping soda in the house, so these days I drink a lot more water.

So, all this is what's going on in the background each day, and what keeps me going.  Sometimes I feel like it's not a big enough deal to talk about on here, but really, all the little details are important to my story.  I'm guessing you all feel the same way about your lives, some of those details are what make us feel ourselves.  Hopefully you all have made it through all this, and I hope even more that it's been interesting, showing you more about who I am.  Until Monday.

Love, Lydia