Love, Lydia - Notes from a geeky, plus sized artist.: June 2015

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Reasons I Can't Do What I Want

Hey everyone,
So, I've been working on this post for a while.  I want to talk a bit about depression and how it's affected me over the years.  Also it allows me to share the talents and insights from others on this subject, all of which are much more eloquent than my own.  This is also going to be a long post, and sparse in the way of images, but hang in there with me.  It's worth it, I promise.

For me I first dealt with depression around when I graduated from high school.  Part of what caused it may have been related to a bad first breakup, but I think some of it might have happened due to family predisposition as well.  There's not a lot of way to know yet medically speaking.  Scientists are coming closer and closer to figuring why and how we become depressed, but there are still a lot of questions to be answered.

My first experience with depression was honestly pretty severe.  I wish I could say I'd gotten proper help with it, and told family, but I didn't.  I had no awareness of the family tendencies til much more recently, and having met the counselor someone I knew had seen, I felt their methods weren't worth my time.  And I thought all those in counseling were probably like that, or at least most.  The one thing I did right in all that time was hold onto my friends, and tell a handful of the closest ones my fears.  To this day I am thankful for the 17-19 years olds who kept me sane in my darkest hours, you all know who you are.  After most of a year where I little appetite and faked being ok to everyone around me while wanted to sleep all day and couldn't sleep at night I started to get better.  My whole life was getting better and my depression moved on with it for the most part.  Occasionally I'd still have a bad day here and there.

When I had a second bout in college I had a better handle on myself and got counseling, which did help some.  Learning to deal with it, using my faith and other ways of coping made things more livable.  Since that point I've had bad days off and on in small and sometimes larger amounts.  Today for example is not one of my better days.  But it's not exactly bad either.  I wanted to go back to bed all morning, or go sit someplace dark by myself for hours.  I withdraw at my worst times, sometimes that includes being emotional, sometimes it's numb, or simply very negative.  But I deal, and have found that part of the reason I may have more bad days in recent years may be connected to my thyroid problem.  This and other medical conditions can influence depression.  But I still kept working, going to school, and trying to be normal.  However, it can take time to get better and on days where I needed it I always felt guilty, because depression isn't a socially acceptable excuse for many things, like taking a day off from work when you're feeling terrible.  (Article in the link discussing this more in depth)

Some of you may already be familiar with the work of the internet famous Allie Brosh.  She makes marvelous cartoons about Alots and doing ALL THE THINGS! You can find them here if you want to check them out.  Her later comics deal with depression and her own personal experiences with it.  While my experiences are not exactly the same I can certainly relate and find that the way she writes about it can help people who've never personally experienced depression connect with some of the feelings that can be associated and behaviors that are common when dealing with the disease.  If you want to know more about what depression is like I recommend checking out her work.

If you want a more interactive approach then check out http://www.depressionquest.com/ It's a game (very simple to play!)  That shows just how limiting it can be to have depression.  If you wonder why some folks don't get treatment, this might help you understand why (aside from some of the socio-economic reasons or affordability and stigma surrounding the disease that still lingers).

Almost done now guys, I promise.  Two things left.  First in case you're still wondering, depression isn't made up.  Mostly people you meet who talk about it aren't looking for attention, few are, admitting to it means admitting you're weak, broken, etc.  At least culturally that's what we hear often.  However more and more we're finding that depression is physical and can even be related to the bacteria you happen to have living in your gut which can alter your health aiding and even causing Autism, Crohn's disease, depression, obesity, Parkinson's disease, and ADHD as well as other ailments.

I find some days hard to deal with, sure I want to write lots of great blog posts, make amazing art, and be a perfect wife with a lovely home and garden.  The impossibility of all those things at once should be absurdly obvious to you folks, but I know some people manage to accomplish some form of this that on the outside looks amazing.  You probably have some in your Facebook feed, showing off gorgeous slices of their own lives.  On the flip side of things depression often makes our failures, even small ones seem huge, and the admirable goals we set to be beautifully functioning human beings with time and motivation to do all we believe in....well it's a high standard when you just want to crawl into a dark closet.

I leave you guys with this incredible poem by my friend and brother DJ.
Love,
Lydia  













Oh, you want to get out of bed?
Well that’s gonna run ya ‘bout 3 nightmares,
a fear of that noise outside the door
and the crippling anxiety of another jobless
loveless
lifeless
day.

AND you want to get dressed?
Well first, let’s sift through yesterday.
And I’m not even talking about the yellow brick road
of clothes piled up from your bed to your door.
I mean that thing you said
at 2:08 PM
to that girl you’ve been texting
how you agonized for hours
thinking you scared her away
(too).
That shit didn’t even send.

Speaking of sending,
I see you want to make plans.
Well plans
are for people in the light.
Plans are for folks with open doors
and your deadbolts rusted
before you even realized you had them.
I’m not locked in here with you.
You’re locked in here with me.
I put on the inkblots
and you tell me who you see running away in them today.
And your friends?
What friends?

Oh,
you mean the pillars.
The people you lean on until they break.
Don’t you see that everyone you love runs away from you?
What does that say about love
and what does that say about you?
Love is a freeway that avoids me
and everything is a mountaintop,
thick forest,
broken GPS.

Are you hungry now?
Good. 
There’s nothing you could pay me to say
that you deserve food today.
I’ll make everything taste like asphalt
in the south
in the summer.
I’ll burn you with the only thing you thought would never judge you.

And yes, they are judging you.
They see you fumbling with your socks.
They see the holes in the wall,
the tokens of my ritual.
Everyone is fine.
No one is suffering.
This is all in your head.
Now fuck you,
pay me.

Want to go

anywhere?
How many auditory hallucinations
are you willing to pay me in?
How many flashing lights will you mistake for the cops?
How many times will you look at the shoulder
and imagine your car wrapped around the median,
barricade in your chest 
giving you the only hug I’ll let you believe?
And what are you doing now that you’re there?
Watching the entire room.
The cost of going out is taking the whole world in.
You are not wall flower.
How dare you compare yourself to something so beautiful on my watch.
I am not in your mind. I
am
your
mind
and you will give me what I’m owned or

well, there is no else.
Turn every day into your deepest fear
or you don’t have a day at all.
Stop
full stop
every time.
Give me my flesh.
Cut it out of your wrist. 
The payment for survival
is just that -
no living, no being, no enjoying.
Survive. Persist. Exist.
Subsist. Persevere. Extinguish.
Subhuman. Purloined. Excised.
Cut.
Cut.
This is the excise for the end of the day.

You pay to wake up
and pay to sleep
in blood.
In ashes.
In the splinters of the bridges of the day.
Don’t call anyone.
They don’t want to hear from you.
I am your best friend now
and we
are going to be immortal together.
That project
won’t make you live forever.
The obituary will

and you thought I was done bleeding you dry?
Run your shit
because death will cost you everything.
Who will you tell?
Your parents don’t believe you
your siblings need you strong
and your friends?
We’ve been over that.
Your friends will never know.
We’re going to have a going away party for two.
I’ll bring the rope
you bring the bleach
and when they ask what’s wrong
from the good side of a hospital bed
the better side of a casket
tell the truth.
See how they feel 
about depression
taking a toll on you.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Me Oh My Oh May

Hi past everyone,

This month has been absolutely crazy with moving.  I don't even know where to begin!  We're almost finished cleaning out the rental and have been living at the new house a couple weeks now.  I haven't written in a while because I've been busier than almost any other time in my life (excepting the semester I tried to work two jobs!) and without internet for most of the month.  Life without internet can be frustrating at times, such as when I feel like writing, but hopefully I can make it a couple more weeks until evil old Time Warner finishes installing cables in our neighborhood.  The date keeps getting pushed back, so I'm not sure how much I believe them anymore with each new date they name since they originally said May 5th.

I've been rereading books I own, and working on painting the new house (and repainted at the rental too!), packing doing lots of organizing as we've moved things.  I can't wait to have everything sorted and in place the way I like it.  It's been a rough past month and a half, but we are so glad to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  We got our refrigerator Friday, and while there have been some issues with getting everything in out home contract completed in a reasonable amount of time I have I hopes that all will be done soon.  We're down to 1. internet, 2. a mailbox (they haven't installed the cluster ones yet!), 3. getting the last few window screens, 4. getting a hole in our screen porch patched, and 5. getting in the 2 light fixtures that were backordered installed in our bathroom.

As of last Sunday we're done with the rental, and it already feels fantastic!  Sure we have a house full of boxes (many from my parents since they boxed up bits of my childhood and I get to sort through it all.  Between trips to various coffee shops for internet I'm getting bits done here and there.  I'm eager to get things unpacked and start new routines in my house and studio over the next few weeks.  My goal is getting into habits that help my health and productivity.  So I'd like to establish some portion of daily and weekly schedules, so I can be writing or making art when I'm most productive mentally and starting my days in a way that helps me be more productive rather than wasting time.  It's a tall order, but I'm up for the challenge.

In that vein I'm also going to try making a capsule wardrobe for the first time.  You can read more about the definitions of a capsule wardrobe at blogs like Unfancy and Project 333.  I'm looking at staring mine officially today and have about 18 pieces picked so far, but I still need to finish my unpacking.  Some blogs are in the camp of counting accessories and jewelry, some aren't.  Personally I'm going to count any cloth items, but not jewelry.  I think I'll probably end up with about 33 pieces for summer, but will probably go with 35 for the other seasons.  However, we'll see.  I still have a lot to decide and would rather have less items than I would more.  I've also found that many people doing this kind of capsule wardrobe aren't using bright colors or wearing plus sized clothing.  So this should add some interesting quirks to my capsule!  I look forward to sharing the results with you all, but for now here are some shots from the past couple months as we've been watching our house be built and moving in.


I've got a couple more posts in the works, but it's been slower going than usual with the lack of internet.  So for now I'll be testing out some productivity apps - Asana, Balanced, Remember The Milk, and Toodledo.  And hopefully get in some reviews of them in an upcoming post.  I look forward to catching up with all of you soon (with internet at home perhaps)!

Love,
Lydia