Love, Lydia - Notes from a geeky, plus sized artist.: games
Showing posts with label games. Show all posts
Showing posts with label games. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Reasons I Can't Do What I Want

Hey everyone,
So, I've been working on this post for a while.  I want to talk a bit about depression and how it's affected me over the years.  Also it allows me to share the talents and insights from others on this subject, all of which are much more eloquent than my own.  This is also going to be a long post, and sparse in the way of images, but hang in there with me.  It's worth it, I promise.

For me I first dealt with depression around when I graduated from high school.  Part of what caused it may have been related to a bad first breakup, but I think some of it might have happened due to family predisposition as well.  There's not a lot of way to know yet medically speaking.  Scientists are coming closer and closer to figuring why and how we become depressed, but there are still a lot of questions to be answered.

My first experience with depression was honestly pretty severe.  I wish I could say I'd gotten proper help with it, and told family, but I didn't.  I had no awareness of the family tendencies til much more recently, and having met the counselor someone I knew had seen, I felt their methods weren't worth my time.  And I thought all those in counseling were probably like that, or at least most.  The one thing I did right in all that time was hold onto my friends, and tell a handful of the closest ones my fears.  To this day I am thankful for the 17-19 years olds who kept me sane in my darkest hours, you all know who you are.  After most of a year where I little appetite and faked being ok to everyone around me while wanted to sleep all day and couldn't sleep at night I started to get better.  My whole life was getting better and my depression moved on with it for the most part.  Occasionally I'd still have a bad day here and there.

When I had a second bout in college I had a better handle on myself and got counseling, which did help some.  Learning to deal with it, using my faith and other ways of coping made things more livable.  Since that point I've had bad days off and on in small and sometimes larger amounts.  Today for example is not one of my better days.  But it's not exactly bad either.  I wanted to go back to bed all morning, or go sit someplace dark by myself for hours.  I withdraw at my worst times, sometimes that includes being emotional, sometimes it's numb, or simply very negative.  But I deal, and have found that part of the reason I may have more bad days in recent years may be connected to my thyroid problem.  This and other medical conditions can influence depression.  But I still kept working, going to school, and trying to be normal.  However, it can take time to get better and on days where I needed it I always felt guilty, because depression isn't a socially acceptable excuse for many things, like taking a day off from work when you're feeling terrible.  (Article in the link discussing this more in depth)

Some of you may already be familiar with the work of the internet famous Allie Brosh.  She makes marvelous cartoons about Alots and doing ALL THE THINGS! You can find them here if you want to check them out.  Her later comics deal with depression and her own personal experiences with it.  While my experiences are not exactly the same I can certainly relate and find that the way she writes about it can help people who've never personally experienced depression connect with some of the feelings that can be associated and behaviors that are common when dealing with the disease.  If you want to know more about what depression is like I recommend checking out her work.

If you want a more interactive approach then check out http://www.depressionquest.com/ It's a game (very simple to play!)  That shows just how limiting it can be to have depression.  If you wonder why some folks don't get treatment, this might help you understand why (aside from some of the socio-economic reasons or affordability and stigma surrounding the disease that still lingers).

Almost done now guys, I promise.  Two things left.  First in case you're still wondering, depression isn't made up.  Mostly people you meet who talk about it aren't looking for attention, few are, admitting to it means admitting you're weak, broken, etc.  At least culturally that's what we hear often.  However more and more we're finding that depression is physical and can even be related to the bacteria you happen to have living in your gut which can alter your health aiding and even causing Autism, Crohn's disease, depression, obesity, Parkinson's disease, and ADHD as well as other ailments.

I find some days hard to deal with, sure I want to write lots of great blog posts, make amazing art, and be a perfect wife with a lovely home and garden.  The impossibility of all those things at once should be absurdly obvious to you folks, but I know some people manage to accomplish some form of this that on the outside looks amazing.  You probably have some in your Facebook feed, showing off gorgeous slices of their own lives.  On the flip side of things depression often makes our failures, even small ones seem huge, and the admirable goals we set to be beautifully functioning human beings with time and motivation to do all we believe in....well it's a high standard when you just want to crawl into a dark closet.

I leave you guys with this incredible poem by my friend and brother DJ.
Love,
Lydia  













Oh, you want to get out of bed?
Well that’s gonna run ya ‘bout 3 nightmares,
a fear of that noise outside the door
and the crippling anxiety of another jobless
loveless
lifeless
day.

AND you want to get dressed?
Well first, let’s sift through yesterday.
And I’m not even talking about the yellow brick road
of clothes piled up from your bed to your door.
I mean that thing you said
at 2:08 PM
to that girl you’ve been texting
how you agonized for hours
thinking you scared her away
(too).
That shit didn’t even send.

Speaking of sending,
I see you want to make plans.
Well plans
are for people in the light.
Plans are for folks with open doors
and your deadbolts rusted
before you even realized you had them.
I’m not locked in here with you.
You’re locked in here with me.
I put on the inkblots
and you tell me who you see running away in them today.
And your friends?
What friends?

Oh,
you mean the pillars.
The people you lean on until they break.
Don’t you see that everyone you love runs away from you?
What does that say about love
and what does that say about you?
Love is a freeway that avoids me
and everything is a mountaintop,
thick forest,
broken GPS.

Are you hungry now?
Good. 
There’s nothing you could pay me to say
that you deserve food today.
I’ll make everything taste like asphalt
in the south
in the summer.
I’ll burn you with the only thing you thought would never judge you.

And yes, they are judging you.
They see you fumbling with your socks.
They see the holes in the wall,
the tokens of my ritual.
Everyone is fine.
No one is suffering.
This is all in your head.
Now fuck you,
pay me.

Want to go

anywhere?
How many auditory hallucinations
are you willing to pay me in?
How many flashing lights will you mistake for the cops?
How many times will you look at the shoulder
and imagine your car wrapped around the median,
barricade in your chest 
giving you the only hug I’ll let you believe?
And what are you doing now that you’re there?
Watching the entire room.
The cost of going out is taking the whole world in.
You are not wall flower.
How dare you compare yourself to something so beautiful on my watch.
I am not in your mind. I
am
your
mind
and you will give me what I’m owned or

well, there is no else.
Turn every day into your deepest fear
or you don’t have a day at all.
Stop
full stop
every time.
Give me my flesh.
Cut it out of your wrist. 
The payment for survival
is just that -
no living, no being, no enjoying.
Survive. Persist. Exist.
Subsist. Persevere. Extinguish.
Subhuman. Purloined. Excised.
Cut.
Cut.
This is the excise for the end of the day.

You pay to wake up
and pay to sleep
in blood.
In ashes.
In the splinters of the bridges of the day.
Don’t call anyone.
They don’t want to hear from you.
I am your best friend now
and we
are going to be immortal together.
That project
won’t make you live forever.
The obituary will

and you thought I was done bleeding you dry?
Run your shit
because death will cost you everything.
Who will you tell?
Your parents don’t believe you
your siblings need you strong
and your friends?
We’ve been over that.
Your friends will never know.
We’re going to have a going away party for two.
I’ll bring the rope
you bring the bleach
and when they ask what’s wrong
from the good side of a hospital bed
the better side of a casket
tell the truth.
See how they feel 
about depression
taking a toll on you.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Christmas Eve Eve!

Merry Christmas everyone!

It's Christmas Eve Eve here in Raleigh and I've got lots on my plate as I finish getting ready for Christmas.  I thought I'd share a bit with you all about my life lately as I prep things.

Bryan and I have one stubborn gift left to get (for that one person on our list who's ever so hard to shop for of course!), and over half of our gifts left to wrap still.  However, we went to Richmond for a Thanksmas weekend with my family over December 12-14.  A lovely ham dinner, plus our gift exchange, and lots of time to just relax with family.  My dad and I got to catch up while doing some shopping and taking the dog out for a walk.  I tried to help my mom with the cooking, but she had picked some really easy dishes and barely needed me!  My parents are working on moving to Richmond in the near future and there were boxes stacked in my uncle's living room from it, but they disguised them as presents.  I have to say it made things very festive!


Other than that I've been busy with several commission pieces two watercolors, and four collages plus trying to fit in bits of other new work as I get the ideas.  I've been decorating here at my own home, and doing domestic things.  Here are a couple shots of my own tree:


I decided to go with a more rustic theme this year, last year I did all cool colors with more modern ornaments.  I shopped for a bunch of this year's ornaments while I was visiting with my parents some in November to help a bit with prepping their house for moving.  My mom and I took a trip to Ikea, and also found some of the ornaments at Kmart (the deer and white frosty bulb ornaments), and Cracker Barrel (the burlap banner with the Cardinal design and the heart ornaments).  Plus Bryan and I have been collecting ornaments on some of our little vacations, so we have things from St. Augustine, Florida, Epcot Center, The Smithsonian Museum, and I'm sure others I can't think of too!  And I made the bow for the tree myself.

Bryan and I have kept busy socially, between going to Raleigh's First Friday Art Walk (where I had a couple of pieces in a show this month!), checking out the Boylan Heights Art Walk (an amazing annual juried show that hosts artists on porches and yards in the downtown neighborhood of the same name), exploring Durham (we'll be moving there this coming spring to be closer to Bryan's new job), and going to the Pittsboro Christmas parade with family.  We've been spending most of our free time with family honestly, whether we're playing games, going to the movies, or just hanging out.  But I've ramped things up with work between the commissions and becoming more involved with the arts community on Tsu (Seriously, it's worth checking out!  There are loads of great artists, crafters, and photographers there, and you earn rewards for simply posting the content you make.  Join using my link here if you'd like.), so I haven't had a ton of free time beyond all that which hasn't been sucked up by things I've already mentioned.  Including spending time with out new little family member Scarlet, a Mini Rex rabbit.  Here's a little photo collage summing up all these things.




So, now I've got to run, groceries to get, presents to wrap, paperwork to finish, cleaning to do, gifts to finish making, and then a break from blogging for the rest of this week as I celebrate Christmas with family.  I can't wait for dinner and the Christmas Eve service with Bryan's family tomorrow night, and then be enjoying each others company for the next few days.  I hope you all will be having a very merry Christmas with your families too.  And look forward to seeing you again soon!

With love this holiday season,
Lydia

Friday, June 6, 2014

Days 155-161 New things

Welcome everyone,

Blog News
So this week has been a busy one between a bit of work, family time, and various other projects.  For starters I'm thinking about making some changes to my blog.  I'm sure you all have noticed that I've been talking about much more than art lately, and while I expect art to be a continued focus I am contemplating giving my blog a new title to reflect to many aspects of what I feature.  I'll be brainstorming and getting back with an announcement about that as well as an accompanying new look for the page design soon.  As it is I'm trying a new format here with added subject headings to help you find the sections you're more or less interested in reading about easier.  I'm also looking at joining a blogger community or two to help me come up with some fun idea for my writing and get to know more bloggers and readers!  I'd love to tell some more stories and allow more creative details from my to be shown to you all.

Art
Next up there's lots of new things on the horizon as I'm working on a new art history themed project that I don't want to share too much about just yet.  However, I can say that it will involve some fun learning experiences and lots of research and work on my part.  This week I've been laying out some ideas, but should have introductory content ready by late June or early July.  If it all goes well it could be a very big series of work for me, which would be a great new challenge.

I've messed with bits and pieces of projects, and should have some finished items to show soon.  Though it will depend on what projects I'm able to focus on next week.  The last few weeks I've been more focused on photography with my new camera and all.  Then I'll have inventory going on at Anthro next week too, so things will be extra busy!

Pinterest
I'm working on the Pinterest project too, and will have the finished post and tutorial up next week, because I wanted to put a little more polish on some of the photos and have been delayed in finishing it this week.  It's coming along well though!

Games
Otherwise I've been working on getting a Pokemon RPG game started (yes the kind with dice) along with a bunch of family members.  It'll be a fun summer game with each of us writing our own stories of what kind of trainers we'll be an my husband acting as GM (game master) throwing different scenarios and Pokemon our way.  We'll be putting aside our bi-weekly Magic games for it since one brother who's home for the summer dislikes playing big group card games, so it's a nice trade off.  Plus we get another "brother" to play too, giving our group people 5 plus our GM.  Normally I cook when we have our Hackmaster RPG nights, but for this I think we'll be gathering at Bryan's parents with the whole family for dinner.  Because, yes, they still have family meals....it's really quite nice!

Besides that we're still working on the randomized game of Pokemon Platinum, which we are approaching the halfway point of now.  So many silly things happen on the random settings, it's just great.  My Charizard managed to have about the best move set ever with powerful fire, ice, flying and ground moves!  And then there's my poor Drifloon, which will never evolve because if it does his ability will change to normalize, making all its ghost moves fairly useless.

Books
During April I read The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck, which I enjoyed, though not as much as I did Pavilion of Women.  I'd still recommend it, but I think I simply found it less relatable in some ways.

In April/May I also read Solaris by Stanislaw Lem, which is a sci fi book with a really interesting story.  I don't want to give too much away, but some strange things happen on a remote planet with some well thought out ideas about possible first contact with another life form.

Additionally in May I read The Nazi Officer's Wife by Edith Hahn Beer.

It's the non-fiction account of a Jewish woman who married a Nazi and managed to stay alive in Germany throughout WWII.  I found it particularly interested because she was very well educated and during the war acted as a passive housewife.  Only after the war could she go back to her chosen vocation, shocking her husband and being a strong precursor to the feminist movements that were to come in the next few decades.

Now I'm a quarter of the way through The Long Earth by Terry Pratchett a book that examines the idea of parallel earths, and also just picked up Pinterest Power by Jason Miles and Karen Lacey, and book on how to use Pinterest in new and interesting ways.  I'll write more on them once I finish them!

Conclusion
As you can see I probably could have broken this into 3 different posts and gone into more detail, but I'm always working on new ideas and am horrible about simply writing the small posts frequently so I won't overwhelm you all with information!  For now the heading should help, but it's something I'm trying to work on, so keep giving me feedback and I'll see you all again very soon.

Love, Lydia

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Days 153-154

Hi everyone,

Today's update is all about art!  So What have I been doing?  Well, In April I participated in Live & Local Raleigh, where I had a booth showing my art as part of the street festival.  It was a fun day, there was live music, and plenty of friendly folks stopped by my booth too.  I look forward to being part of the event next year as well!  Here's a shot of my booth thanks to Groucho's Deli via Facebook.

Additionally April 8th was Draw a Bird day, so while I drew my bird that day I'm just now getting around to posting it!  I looked some of my older reference photos and selected one of a Brown-Headed Nuthatch at the feeders from our old apartment.  I drew it on watercolor paper with various colored pencils and it ended up having a nice soft look to it.



I think I'll try to find a nice sketchbook next time.  Speaking of which I'm thinking I really should start to keep a regular one and hopefully share some bits of things in future entries.  I poked around my studio a bit and found a tiny sketchbook that isn't made of watercolor paper...I think I might need to go shopping though.  Hehe  If so I think I will get something similar to a Moleskin style book since I will soon be getting an Imbue creative tool thanks to my friend Stephen Hughett and his collaborative partner Igor Zemskov's fantastic Kickstarter!  The tool will be very useful for my Irish inspired pieces or really any pattern based art I work on.

In other news I finally have a new camera!  A friend of mine was looking to sell hers and the timing was just right for things to work out.  I'm so incredibly thankful too!  I now have a Canon T3i DSLR, which I have been having a great time getting used to over the past two weeks.  So, here are a few bits of what I've been up to with it.  First there were test shots, of which the following two were lovely.



Then we went to one of our relative's 1st birthday party.  They had the nicest spread of ice cream sundaes and toppings set out, and of course the birthday princess was adorable!



I've also been keeping an eye on the creatures in our yard, birds and bunnies, there are squirrels too, but they're just annoying buggers.  The feeder is just outside our kitchen window, but the rabbits are used to us enough that I could walk just off the porch to take this picture, the Tufted Titmouse didn't mind either.  Then while I was writing the beginning of this post I kept hearing at least one fledgling Carolina Wren, and soon after had one come and investigate what I was doing on the porch!


I also took a few shots during our Memorial Day board games.  We were playing Tzolk'in, The Mayan Calendar game, which is why there are little crystal skulls involved.  A young relative was arranging the extra pieces while her dad played with us.  The lighting made it irresistible, and I went to grab my camera partway through the game.
                           

                           

                           

                           

Lastly, today I was working on my first Pinterest style project.  It's inspired by this pin of a chalkboard cheese plate!  I had given one of my brothers-in-law a beer sampling paddle, and during the party I realized it would be perfect to add a chalkboard paint finish to, so I'm doing that, plus painting some lettering on the back for him too.  I'll be going through the steps of how I make it as part of my next post.  Here's a teaser shot of all the items I'll be using to put it together.


Enjoy your last day of May and I will see you all in June.  Thanks!

Love, Lydia